[ dextera draws his knees up to his chest, occupying his hands as well—doesn't it feel wrong, to talk about things like this when they can't even touch each other? he's become so spoiled, by contact, and now he doesn't know what to do without it.
but they promised, a long time ago now, to tell each other the things that hurt them. now that there's a quest, and a reward to go along with it, dextera feels like now is a better time than ever. maybe their reward could be to touch again, as wishful as that is. ]
...
[ he nods. he wants to talk about it, but only if guren will talk about it, too—without saying anything, he looks at guren, silently asking for permission for the both of them to share these things. ]
[ Even Guren agrees that it feels wrong somehow, but he stays silent, waiting it out. He hopes it ends soon. Ends at all. But if not... then they’ll have to get used to it. He meets those eyes. ]
...Don’t worry, I’ll share mine, too. But it means you can’t say a word about it. You can’t slip or hint even once, okay? [ ... ]
As long as that’s fine, I’ll share it. But you should go first.
[ dextera remembers, when they first talked about something like this, that there was a memory that guren couldn't share for reasons of safety—this must be it. something that would put him, or other people, in danger if dextera ever breathed it to anyone else.
luckily, dextera is mute, and not the type of person to spill secrets anyway. something like this, whatever it is, is safe with him. ]
...
[ he nods, and lets his gaze slide over to his laptop. already, he's written out this memory a hundred times, trying to remember every small detail and all the things related to it—he could just show guren those notes, but that feels wrong. insincere, somehow.
so he'll write it again, something special albeit painful for guren's eyes only. ]
[ Guren waits, patient, looking down at his hand with the bracelet in the meantime. He doesn’t want Dextera to feel watched or pressured, and he knows typing something like this out can be hard. But he hopes that somehow, his being here is helping. It’s funny how they were both stuck on the same things, both unable to sleep because of it.
He thought it would be wrong or silly to come here in the middle of the night, at first, but it seems like it’s actually working out. ]
Take your time. I don’t have anywhere else to be. [ A reminder, softly spoken ]
[ so dextera pulls his laptop over, and he wonders if he should put it all in one thought—but that might be too much. unnatural, and difficult for guren to respond to, if he even wants to. so he’ll start with the background of it, the things he remembers from that memory restored to him so violently.
there’s a long pause, and before he even begins typing, he retrieves guren’s jacket to drape it over his shoulders. a comfort, just like he wanted, and once he’s gotten enough written...
he turns the laptop around, glancing away and fiddling with one of the buttons while he lets guren read it. ]
My brother and I were conjoined twins. He was older, and I was younger. Between us, there was only one functioning heart, and we couldn’t both be conscious at the same time.
My body was the one with the heart, and so I was allowed to be Koriel XII, while he got no name at all. The doctors knew he was going to die. He had to. I was even called “Cain,” where they thought I couldn’t hear. But we were happy, I think.
I really think we were happy.
[ the chess—that’s how they talked, how they bonded. it didn’t matter what anyone else said, as long as they had each other. ]
[There isn't much Guren's going to be able to say, and he knows that, but he appreciates the spacing. It's better for Dextera, he thinks, and it's better for himself to process it all. Hearing everything Dextera went through... it pisses him off. All of the things he dealt with himself, all of the people who suffered from basic things like family and people in power and religions, it's not fair. He has heavy opinions on that.
But he won't push them on Dextera, either. He keeps his anger down.]
If you thought you were happy, then that's what matters. You felt happiness. Screw anyone else.
[ dextera nods. his brother was precious to him, and it was hard, even impossible, for him to ever accept that he might not get to stay with his brother forever.
they were happy.
which makes the next part more difficult to write, and he’s clearly moving slower, when he takes his laptop back to explain the memory itself. all that fear, all that despair—for a while, he doesn’t type anything at all, until he takes a deep breath and forces himself to get it out there.
guren is here. ]
On our seventh birthday, our bodies began to fail. It was decided that my brother and I would be separated, which would kill him. He had no working heart.
I thought I fought against it with all I had. I begged them to kill us both, if there was no way for us to live together, but there was nothing I could do.
[ even if guren can’t see the screen yet, dextera pauses to compose himself. ]
[Guren never had siblings, but he can imagine the feeling. Maybe his way of turning into a dad at every child that passes by him isn't quite the same as a bond between siblings, between twins, but he knows that care, that importance, at least.
He wants to reach out and touch him, to offer comfort, and of course he can't. His fingers curl into his own palms, instead, as he sits up straighter and stops leaning back on his hands.
His eyes meet Dextera's, silent but encouraging him to continue with his thoughts and feelings.]
[ a look of genuine pain crosses his face now, something more than just an emotional difficulty—physically, he hurts, and he inhales sharply as he tries to wrap this up. ]
I have a scar from the surgery and it hurts all of me hurts
i woke up without him and
[ there’s nothing else he needs to say, really, so he shoves the laptop at guren suddenly, hunching over with his hands pressed to his side like pressure can solve it. ]
[The laptop is in his lap now, and he holds it with one hand so it doesn't fall out of it when he leans closer, but his free hand stretches out, hesitating and stopping short. He doesn't want to trouble him more by having his hand only push against an invisible force.]
I'm sorry. [It's all he can think to say, when he's useless like this. His stomach knots and sinks and his eyes flick up and down Dextera helplessly. He did this. It's all he can think. He gave him back his worst memory.]
[ still wincing, his hands still pressed to his side, he firmly shakes his head.
it hurts so badly that it feels as if his body shouldn’t be able to take it, but even so, he wants to remember. this is his past, and he would rather know why he feels the way he does than wander aimlessly without his memories. ]
Hah—
[ he takes a deep breath, and he pulls his coat back. it doesn’t feel right, his scar...
but when he lifts his shirt, there’s nothing wrong with it. it’s large and a mix of colors, some paler and some darker, and it spreads up and down his side from his hip, even reaching around to his back at parts. it throbs, the skin twitching.
dextera frowns at it, and looks back up at guren. ]
[It's such a large, terrible scar for a terrible memory, but Guren is relieved that Dextera does still want to have it. Still, he wishes he didn't have to suffer like this. That pain... could it be something like nerve damage? No, it seems like this is coming from him remembering, so it must be psychological.
But that doesn't make it any less painful.
Without thinking, his hand reaches forward, wanting nothing more than to offer comfort, and for the first time in a week, his fingertips press against Dextera's skin.]
[ so softly, so suddenly, dextera inhales—and the breath stays there, in his throat, guren’s fingers offering such a solace that he feels as if he could sob from touch alone.
the pain quiets, under guren’s fingers, and dextera grabs his arm to hold him there. to force guren to press harder against it, as if letting go at any moment might bring that curse back. ]
[Guren's breath catches, too, and he presses more of his hand against that scar. It seems like it's helping, though he doesn't know if it's from distraction or actual pressure, so he'll help with both.
His free hand closes and moves the laptop to the side in a hurry. He brings it between them and touches Dextera's cheek, and the way he exhales is almost like a laugh.]
I can touch you again.
[God, thank god, he doesn't even care how dumb he sounds saying that aloud.]
[ dextera knew that he missed this, but he didn’t realize how much—how relieved he would be to have it back, and he closes his eyes when guren touches his cheek.
guren. it’s like a mantra, in his head, and all he can think about for a moment is how desperately he wants to have this touch forever.
he slides his hand down guren’s arm, so his hand is over guren’s, and his other hand lifts, trembling, to touch guren’s cheek as well. ]
[He's just as surprised, if not more. He's well aware of complicated feelings that he doesn't want to deal with or even think about, but this is a powerful pull. Like a reverse of the magnetic feeling that was pushing him back this whole time, he wants to be close to Dextera. Impossibly close.
The best he can do, he thinks, is to move his hand away from Dextera's cheek and around him, yanking him close.]
Come here.
[He had hassled Noctis about "not doing hugs," and so it wasn't like he could use that as an excuse himself, anyway.]
the voice of his brother fades from the back of his mind, for a moment, the emptiness within dextera filled by the feeling of having someone so close to him. someone so important—guren, who is beyond anyone else dextera has ever known.
his shirt slips back down over his scar, and he squeezes guren, practically pulling himself into guren’s lap since his laptop has been cast aside.
is this a reward? he doesn’t know. he doesn’t care. this is reward enough. ]
[He's not normally the greatest at hugs. He sits there and lets them happen with barely any response himself, and he kind of does that now, as Dextera pulls himself forward and he's practically in his lap. Guren is relieved, he's shocked, and he's happy, and so it takes a minute or so of just processing it like this, his hands pressed lightly at Dextera's back, over his own jacket draped over those shoulders.
But then, that's not enough comfort after so long. It's not enough joy. His weight shifts, his arm hooks tight around Dextera's waist, and he falls onto his back, taking Dextera with him, pulling him on top of him.
His lips quirk up playfully, and there's more of a squeeze in return, as brief as it is.]
It can hurt to live, after losing someone close to you. [He finally speaks, his breathing slow, forced calm.] It can feel impossible, like the last thing you want to do each and every day. But I'm glad you did. And there are plenty of people who are glad you did.
I know the pain of that memory won't go away, but I hope you know that much.
[ dextera doesn’t expect guren to fall like that, and he clings even though there’s no real danger and he’s soon settled easily on top of guren, a light weight that probably doesn’t hurt at all. the sudden shift of it helps take his mind off all that he just shared, and even if guren is right, that the pain will never completely subside, he has plenty of friends to help him through it.
his gaze is soft, as he looks down at guren, but some red is pricking at his skin and his eyes look glassy—like he’s going to cry, and desperately doesn’t want to.
he knows he cries too often, and it’s embarrassing, even now when he’s perfectly justified in it. so he tries to just nod. ]
[Normally, Guren is the first one to call people out on being cry babies. In this case, though, it certainly is fair, and he doesn't want to even tease Dextera about something he seems to genuinely try holding back. He doesn't want him to feel like he can't let his feelings out at all...
So, there's a fond look on Guren's face, and he moves one of his hands to the back of Dextera's head, stroking fingers through his hair. He can't believe it's just back. It must have passed midnight... A full week. That's it.]
I want you to make sure you're really done with your part. Relax, feel better, and I can talk about mine at any time. [It's nicer to just enjoy this for a while, anyway.]
[ is he done with his part? he’s gotten through the worst of it, he thinks—being separated from his brother, the scar along his side. the rest of it, the aftermath, he doesn’t remember.
he’s still missing fifteen years, between the emotional end of his life and the apocalypse, but he can’t even imagine what happened. things ceased to matter for him, didn’t they?
but now, he’s fine. he’s fine. ]
...
[ he exhales, touching guren’s face softly, just to touch. he’s thinking, if there’s anything more he wants to say. ]
[He almost wishes they could stay like this. Maybe they could, for a long while, without moving on to any other horrible memories. Maybe they could fall asleep, and Guren could put this off til tomorrow.
At the very least, the touch is comforting, after being starved from it for so long. No one else gets close to Guren like this, either. He lets his eyes drift closed and tilts his head just slightly into that palm, letting the comfortable silence continue.]
[ dextera wants something more from this moment—something he can’t place a name to, but something that aches in his chest all the same. it’s like longing, but not quite, or it’s at least something he tells himself it’s silly to feel when he has guren right here.
there’s nothing to long for. ]
Sleeping?
[ written out, on his chest, after ghosting his fingers down guren’s face, his neck, testing the boundaries of their touch once again. ]
[ Ah... Guren longs for plenty himself. Their bodies are so close that he thinks he’s set himself up for some sort of failure, and then the feeling of Dextera’s hand tracing down him makes him shudder, and he tries to keep it subtle. His eyes stay closed at the question, but his lips turn up slightly in a smile. ]
I’m just thinking about it. [ It’s late, this is nice... He doesn’t mind Dextera’s weight on top of him at all. His heart is beating hard, of course. ]
I’m still awake. [ If he wants to say more. To do anything more... though Guren knows that’s too much to think of. Still, his fingers run through Dextera’s hair and stop at the base of his neck, tracing there. ]
[ this feels so nice, so precious, that dextera doesn’t want to ruin it by talking about the things that have hurt them. the quest will still be there tomorrow, won’t it? if guren stays the night, they can discuss it in the morning, and they can take the evening to make up for all this touching they didn’t get to do before.
or they could do both. dextera doesn’t really care, as long as they’re together. ]
OK.
[ slowly written, for how short a phrase it is. it just feels good to touch him. ]
Done. [ and just to promise that ] I decided to live.
[ it’s not really that easy, and guren knows that as well as dextera does—but it’s a start, and a proper response to guren’s reassurance earlier. if he can stay alive, he can eventually learn to deal with the pain. ]
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but they promised, a long time ago now, to tell each other the things that hurt them. now that there's a quest, and a reward to go along with it, dextera feels like now is a better time than ever. maybe their reward could be to touch again, as wishful as that is. ]
...
[ he nods. he wants to talk about it, but only if guren will talk about it, too—without saying anything, he looks at guren, silently asking for permission for the both of them to share these things. ]
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...Don’t worry, I’ll share mine, too. But it means you can’t say a word about it. You can’t slip or hint even once, okay? [ ... ]
As long as that’s fine, I’ll share it. But you should go first.
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luckily, dextera is mute, and not the type of person to spill secrets anyway. something like this, whatever it is, is safe with him. ]
...
[ he nods, and lets his gaze slide over to his laptop. already, he's written out this memory a hundred times, trying to remember every small detail and all the things related to it—he could just show guren those notes, but that feels wrong. insincere, somehow.
so he'll write it again, something special albeit painful for guren's eyes only. ]
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He thought it would be wrong or silly to come here in the middle of the night, at first, but it seems like it’s actually working out. ]
Take your time. I don’t have anywhere else to be. [ A reminder, softly spoken ]
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there’s a long pause, and before he even begins typing, he retrieves guren’s jacket to drape it over his shoulders. a comfort, just like he wanted, and once he’s gotten enough written...
he turns the laptop around, glancing away and fiddling with one of the buttons while he lets guren read it. ]
My brother and I were conjoined twins. He was older, and I was younger. Between us, there was only one functioning heart, and we couldn’t both be conscious at the same time.
My body was the one with the heart, and so I was allowed to be Koriel XII, while he got no name at all. The doctors knew he was going to die. He had to. I was even called “Cain,” where they thought I couldn’t hear. But we were happy, I think.
I really think we were happy.
[ the chess—that’s how they talked, how they bonded. it didn’t matter what anyone else said, as long as they had each other. ]
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But he won't push them on Dextera, either. He keeps his anger down.]
If you thought you were happy, then that's what matters. You felt happiness. Screw anyone else.
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[ dextera nods. his brother was precious to him, and it was hard, even impossible, for him to ever accept that he might not get to stay with his brother forever.
they were happy.
which makes the next part more difficult to write, and he’s clearly moving slower, when he takes his laptop back to explain the memory itself. all that fear, all that despair—for a while, he doesn’t type anything at all, until he takes a deep breath and forces himself to get it out there.
guren is here. ]
On our seventh birthday, our bodies began to fail. It was decided that my brother and I would be separated, which would kill him. He had no working heart.
I thought I fought against it with all I had. I begged them to kill us both, if there was no way for us to live together, but there was nothing I could do.
[ even if guren can’t see the screen yet, dextera pauses to compose himself. ]
We were torn apart. I lived.
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He wants to reach out and touch him, to offer comfort, and of course he can't. His fingers curl into his own palms, instead, as he sits up straighter and stops leaning back on his hands.
His eyes meet Dextera's, silent but encouraging him to continue with his thoughts and feelings.]
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I have a scar from the surgery and it hurts all of me hurts
i woke up without him and
[ there’s nothing else he needs to say, really, so he shoves the laptop at guren suddenly, hunching over with his hands pressed to his side like pressure can solve it. ]
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[The laptop is in his lap now, and he holds it with one hand so it doesn't fall out of it when he leans closer, but his free hand stretches out, hesitating and stopping short. He doesn't want to trouble him more by having his hand only push against an invisible force.]
I'm sorry. [It's all he can think to say, when he's useless like this. His stomach knots and sinks and his eyes flick up and down Dextera helplessly. He did this. It's all he can think. He gave him back his worst memory.]
Do you wish you didn't remember?
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it hurts so badly that it feels as if his body shouldn’t be able to take it, but even so, he wants to remember. this is his past, and he would rather know why he feels the way he does than wander aimlessly without his memories. ]
Hah—
[ he takes a deep breath, and he pulls his coat back. it doesn’t feel right, his scar...
but when he lifts his shirt, there’s nothing wrong with it. it’s large and a mix of colors, some paler and some darker, and it spreads up and down his side from his hip, even reaching around to his back at parts. it throbs, the skin twitching.
dextera frowns at it, and looks back up at guren. ]
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But that doesn't make it any less painful.
Without thinking, his hand reaches forward, wanting nothing more than to offer comfort, and for the first time in a week, his fingertips press against Dextera's skin.]
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[ so softly, so suddenly, dextera inhales—and the breath stays there, in his throat, guren’s fingers offering such a solace that he feels as if he could sob from touch alone.
the pain quiets, under guren’s fingers, and dextera grabs his arm to hold him there. to force guren to press harder against it, as if letting go at any moment might bring that curse back. ]
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His free hand closes and moves the laptop to the side in a hurry. He brings it between them and touches Dextera's cheek, and the way he exhales is almost like a laugh.]
I can touch you again.
[God, thank god, he doesn't even care how dumb he sounds saying that aloud.]
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guren. it’s like a mantra, in his head, and all he can think about for a moment is how desperately he wants to have this touch forever.
he slides his hand down guren’s arm, so his hand is over guren’s, and his other hand lifts, trembling, to touch guren’s cheek as well. ]
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The best he can do, he thinks, is to move his hand away from Dextera's cheek and around him, yanking him close.]
Come here.
[He had hassled Noctis about "not doing hugs," and so it wasn't like he could use that as an excuse himself, anyway.]
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the voice of his brother fades from the back of his mind, for a moment, the emptiness within dextera filled by the feeling of having someone so close to him. someone so important—guren, who is beyond anyone else dextera has ever known.
his shirt slips back down over his scar, and he squeezes guren, practically pulling himself into guren’s lap since his laptop has been cast aside.
is this a reward? he doesn’t know. he doesn’t care. this is reward enough. ]
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But then, that's not enough comfort after so long. It's not enough joy. His weight shifts, his arm hooks tight around Dextera's waist, and he falls onto his back, taking Dextera with him, pulling him on top of him.
His lips quirk up playfully, and there's more of a squeeze in return, as brief as it is.]
It can hurt to live, after losing someone close to you. [He finally speaks, his breathing slow, forced calm.] It can feel impossible, like the last thing you want to do each and every day. But I'm glad you did. And there are plenty of people who are glad you did.
I know the pain of that memory won't go away, but I hope you know that much.
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[ dextera doesn’t expect guren to fall like that, and he clings even though there’s no real danger and he’s soon settled easily on top of guren, a light weight that probably doesn’t hurt at all. the sudden shift of it helps take his mind off all that he just shared, and even if guren is right, that the pain will never completely subside, he has plenty of friends to help him through it.
his gaze is soft, as he looks down at guren, but some red is pricking at his skin and his eyes look glassy—like he’s going to cry, and desperately doesn’t want to.
he knows he cries too often, and it’s embarrassing, even now when he’s perfectly justified in it. so he tries to just nod. ]
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So, there's a fond look on Guren's face, and he moves one of his hands to the back of Dextera's head, stroking fingers through his hair. He can't believe it's just back. It must have passed midnight... A full week. That's it.]
I want you to make sure you're really done with your part. Relax, feel better, and I can talk about mine at any time. [It's nicer to just enjoy this for a while, anyway.]
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he’s still missing fifteen years, between the emotional end of his life and the apocalypse, but he can’t even imagine what happened. things ceased to matter for him, didn’t they?
but now, he’s fine. he’s fine. ]
...
[ he exhales, touching guren’s face softly, just to touch. he’s thinking, if there’s anything more he wants to say. ]
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At the very least, the touch is comforting, after being starved from it for so long. No one else gets close to Guren like this, either. He lets his eyes drift closed and tilts his head just slightly into that palm, letting the comfortable silence continue.]
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there’s nothing to long for. ]
Sleeping?
[ written out, on his chest, after ghosting his fingers down guren’s face, his neck, testing the boundaries of their touch once again. ]
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I’m just thinking about it. [ It’s late, this is nice... He doesn’t mind Dextera’s weight on top of him at all. His heart is beating hard, of course. ]
I’m still awake. [ If he wants to say more. To do anything more... though Guren knows that’s too much to think of. Still, his fingers run through Dextera’s hair and stop at the base of his neck, tracing there. ]
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or they could do both. dextera doesn’t really care, as long as they’re together. ]
OK.
[ slowly written, for how short a phrase it is. it just feels good to touch him. ]
Done. [ and just to promise that ] I decided to live.
[ it’s not really that easy, and guren knows that as well as dextera does—but it’s a start, and a proper response to guren’s reassurance earlier. if he can stay alive, he can eventually learn to deal with the pain. ]
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