[ Ah... Guren longs for plenty himself. Their bodies are so close that he thinks he’s set himself up for some sort of failure, and then the feeling of Dextera’s hand tracing down him makes him shudder, and he tries to keep it subtle. His eyes stay closed at the question, but his lips turn up slightly in a smile. ]
I’m just thinking about it. [ It’s late, this is nice... He doesn’t mind Dextera’s weight on top of him at all. His heart is beating hard, of course. ]
I’m still awake. [ If he wants to say more. To do anything more... though Guren knows that’s too much to think of. Still, his fingers run through Dextera’s hair and stop at the base of his neck, tracing there. ]
[ this feels so nice, so precious, that dextera doesn’t want to ruin it by talking about the things that have hurt them. the quest will still be there tomorrow, won’t it? if guren stays the night, they can discuss it in the morning, and they can take the evening to make up for all this touching they didn’t get to do before.
or they could do both. dextera doesn’t really care, as long as they’re together. ]
OK.
[ slowly written, for how short a phrase it is. it just feels good to touch him. ]
Done. [ and just to promise that ] I decided to live.
[ it’s not really that easy, and guren knows that as well as dextera does—but it’s a start, and a proper response to guren’s reassurance earlier. if he can stay alive, he can eventually learn to deal with the pain. ]
[ There’s a clear sigh of relief, and Guren laces his fingers back into Dextera’s hair. ] Keep living, even if it hurts, and someone will end up needing you. I had to tell Yuu the same thing. Just keep living.
[ He doesn’t ever want to hear that it’s too difficult for Dextera to live. Even if right now, he doesn’t want to say “I need you” out loud, he hopes it gets across well enough. Ugh, he wants to sleep through the night, but his own memory is similar, and maybe they should leave the morning as something nice. ]
[ honestly, things have settled so nicely between them that dextera wants to tell him no, never mind, guren doesn’t have to say anything—but it was good for dextera to share his pain, and he thinks it will be good for guren, too.
once he knows what guren has been through, maybe they can learn to heal together.
so he nods, and he starts to shift like he’s going to give guren space—but almost immediately, he realizes how little he actually wants to move when he can see guren’s face so clearly, and guren has those fingers laced in his hair.
[ Guren takes a moment first, opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling, fingers stilling in Dextera’s hair. He was going to tell this at home and didn’t even get the chance since Ferid beat him to it, but now he’s thinking about how all over again. ]
You remember those friends I keep mentioning, right? [ He doesn’t look at Dextera to acknowledge this. ] Eight years ago, all of them died.
[ that's a way to start, and although surprise briefly crosses his face—maybe a part of him isn't surprised at all, either. is it so strange, to be holding onto his precious friends who died long ago? the other things guren mentioned begin to fall into place, but dextera knows this can't be all there is to it.
there's more in guren's voice, in his face.
dextera pauses to process the beginning of this story, and then he manages a nod, his fingers shifting almost imperceptibly across guren's chest. just a reminder, and a nudge to keep going. ]
I couldn’t protect them, just like I couldn’t protect Mahiru. They had helped me through everything, and now they were dead.
[ His words are so simple compared to the memories. Blood everywhere, his screaming, his crying. But this is just how Guren describes what he remembers, keeping those details to himself and focusing on the main points. He takes a slow, deep breath. ]
I couldn’t stand it. There was a way to bring them back... but the cost was going to be large. You’re not meant to bring back the dead. Knowing that, I did it anyway, and 90% of the human population died because of me. I decided to bear the weight of that sin, just to see my friends smiling again.
[ But that’s not all either, of course. For now, he pauses, fingers curling again at Dextera’s neck. ]
dextera doesn’t think any less of him, for it—what a noble reason, to kill the world. what did dextera do? he tried to merge with god. he ruined everything because he was selfish, and guren only wanted to see the smile of his friends again.
he would have done the same, he thinks. if he could have destroyed the world for his brother, he would have. ]
...
[ he moves his hand to touch guren’s cheek, again. ]
I had promised them I'd keep them alive, and that I wouldn't touch the taboo.
[His eyes are hollow as he remembers, his hand moving back to rest over the one on his cheek, a feather light touch.] I was too weak. Seven coffins, two with unknown bodies... I did the experiment just like I was supposed to.
[The one he wasn't meant to touch.] The vampire who was with me at the time, Ferid, woke up one of the unknown bodies. He was a man, apparently meant to be a manual. He had agreed to take part in an experiment to save his daughter from her disease, and pay for her treatment. She was 22, so she was dead thanks to me.
He tried to kill me, but my connection with the demon was too much. Even just laying there and taking it, I couldn't die by the hands of someone normal like him. [So, that shares his regeneration info a little more, too.] I stopped him to ask if he remembered dying. He seemed stunned, and when I pressed it and asked again, something horrible happened.
His body floated and glowed and exploded, and there was nothing left at all of him. The rules of this regeneration were strict. Not only would my friends have only ten years to live, but if they heard anything about this, they'd die instantly.
They were smart, so I had to inject them all with anesthesia and get them out of there before they found out. I couldn't tell them a thing. I couldn't tell anyone.
[ dextera listens with all the quiet patience of a saint. his friends—guren’s precious friends, on a time limit. for them, the world, even though guren must have known it wouldn’t be forever.
there’s not a part of dextera that blames him. others might, others would, but he understands that desire for just a second longer better than anyone else. he brushes his thumb along guren’s cheek, for a moment just watching guren, taking in that story.
guren got his friends back for ten years, at the cost of the world and the burden of a terrible secret. ]
You told me.
[ a reminder that now guren has shared this, and if it lightens his soul even a little, dextera would hear it a thousand times. ]
[It does help, it really does, as small and as late as it is. But this is something he thinks of every day. Ten years— 8 are gone now. He's been stuck in this place for three months. He's losing precious time.]
They were too smart. I couldn't show even the slightest hint that I was thinking of something, I couldn't react to anything. Even the smallest sign would set Shinya off, at the very least.
[Imagine that!! Guren lets out a heavy sigh, relieved by Dextera's weight and his touch. His fingers drop away, though. He's tired, just from talking about this.]
I've got plenty of bad memories like that, but I'd say that one is the worst.
[ worse than the act itself, dextera thinks, is the keeping it secret. not being able to share something like that with someone so important... guren must have been carrying such a heavy weight. no wonder he's the way he is when it comes to emotional displays. his life has been an impossible balancing act, and dextera wishes there was something he could do for that. ]
...
[ he nods. it sounds like the worst to him. which is better, really? having a hundred bad memories, or having none at all? it isn't a contest, but dextera feels like he needs to be the one who can stand strong, in the face of all of guren's pain.
he sighs too, and although he does crawl off guren now, it's to immediately lay at his side. he's not going to stop touching guren for a second, as long as he can help it. ]
[This moment, as heavy as it is, is nice. They can touch again, and when he couldn't sleep, he came here and found Dextera in the same situation. It said a lot, it made him relax a lot, and now they were helping each other with that. As simple as that.
He's a little sad Dextera slid off of him, but the closeness beside him is just as nice. Maybe now he won't have to resist the urge to stare at his lips like he's tempted. His hand moves next to him, finding Dextera's to intertwine their fingers properly. After all of the handholding they've done, he can get away with this, can't he? It probably seems like nothing but a normal comfort between friends.]
[ dextera doesn't resist this lacing at all—he wouldn't have even on a normal day, but now, he actively responds to it, warm with the comfort of having guren so close to him. he's happy, even though half of him is dead, and guren's friends don't have much longer. is that selfish? maybe. but he's selfish. he doesn't want to think about the apocalypse, or all the things that are waiting for him back in his world. he doesn't want guren to think about those things, either, not when the two of them are here together and that's all dextera could ever ask for.
there are words in his chest that he wants to say. he wishes it were easier to form them. ]
Together.
[ it's not the first time he's said this—but it's the word he always seems to come back to. ]
[He's embarrassed, but it's in the best way. His smile is one that he can't hold back, no matter how hard he tries, and their hands are warm together. Dextera still has his jacket, he still has his bracelet, but he doesn't even mind that. Selfishly, he wants to keep it for as long as he can.]
Together. [He gives in, finally, and says it himself, followed by a breathy chuckle.]
I guess I should come over any time I can't sleep. Maybe one of these times you'll actually be sleeping just fine.
[ dextera laughs too, softer but just as quietly amused as guren is. it’s silly, but it brings him a comfort, to think that the two of them can be like this. he’s so glad that the curse wasn’t a permanent one—he’s touched hands with plenty of others, this week, but it’s nothing like this intimacy he shares with guren. ]
Heh.
[ he rests his cheek on guren’s shoulder, and there’s no denying that this is a cuddle. ]
[He wants to rip his own heart out so it stops beating so loudly. God, he's paranoid Dextera can hear it from where he is. He knows Crowley would be able to hear it from well across the room. And apparently Superman can hear everything at once? So now he's just thinking about all of that. Thanks, world.
He can only imagine what his friends would be saying, too. At least right now that makes him relax. He won't admit that he sleeps better next to Dextera, either.]
And even better with your chicken, right? You'd sleep with anything. [He's got the jokes]
[ dextera isn’t paying attention to the sound of guren’s heart, luckily for guren’s poor soul—he’s a little wrapped up in his own heartbeat, after all, when guren playfully comments that he would sleep with anything.
not anything, okay!! ]
Hmm.
[ he buries his face against guren’s shoulder, hiding now. embarrassed. ]
[ well, it’s true that he just likes to sleep next to someone—and now he understands why, completely. he was always comforted by the weight of his brother, even when he would move around and hurt their hip.
dextera shifts, until he’s lying prone with his stomach to the floor, and the side with his scar gently bumps against guren’s hip.
he’s not looking, but he signs for guren to see anyway. ]
[ Oh. We’ll he can’t keep joking with that. He’s still on his back, but he turns his face to look at him, frowning quietly. ]
It reminds you? [ And so it’s probably comfortable. That’s right... that’s all this is? He’s trying not to let selfish feelings get in the way of his care for Dextera’s feelings, but that makes him worry. He’s let go of his hand to let him turn, and now he feels too weird to ask for it back. Both of his stay folded over his stomach. ]
that’s not all there is to it, but dextera doesn’t know that guren thinks that to correct him. instead, he carries on exactly as he planned, which is to let his hand drop to guren’s chest.
not holding hands anymore, no, but there’s something intimate about the way his palm is lightly, loosely spread over guren’s heart, too.
[ It definitely feels intimate. Guren has never been so uncertain over wondering if someone liked him. Normally it’s so obvious? This... this just feels like Dextera is an angel above everyone else, so of course he’d be entrancing in this way. Of course he’d draw interest even from Guren who buries this deep. From everyone, he’s sure.
It’s like... how he viewed Mahiru as a goddess, actually. He remembers because she giggles in his mind, and thanks to the drug he has more of, he can keep it at that. ]
...
[ He has a lot he wants to know the answer to, but nothing he can ask. Instead, he ignores the pounding of his heart and shifts his leg to bump with Dextera’s, a solution to his craving for more contact, for now. ]
[ dextera isn’t unaware of his own feelings, but it’s impossible to feel that he has the right to have them, to dwell when he’s the one who caused the apocalypse. he doesn’t deserve to think about this thing he wants so badly, as the archangel has told him again and again. he doesn’t deserve anything, until he’s repented for his sin.
but how? how can he do that when he’s here? is he doomed to never get what he wants, as long as his guilt stands in the way? it’s something that stops him from seeking the fulfillment he’s desperate for, and why all he can do is take solace in the fact that guren lets him be here, side-to-side. ]
...?
[ dextera isn’t falling asleep yet, but he doesn’t move much when guren touches his leg. instead, his fingers twitch so slightly, and he shifts so that he can return guren’s little nudge.
[Again, like a magnet, he's drawn in. Dextera's earlier showing of their hips next to each other makes him feel like he shouldn't roll on either side, but he does give in and take Dextera's hand with his own, squeezing and leaving it between them.]
...Let's get some sleep.
[That's all... This hand holding can just be excused by their lack of touch over a week. It's a comfort, like he told Fushimi. That's what Dextera wants. A comfort. Guren lets his eyes close again.]
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I’m just thinking about it. [ It’s late, this is nice... He doesn’t mind Dextera’s weight on top of him at all. His heart is beating hard, of course. ]
I’m still awake. [ If he wants to say more. To do anything more... though Guren knows that’s too much to think of. Still, his fingers run through Dextera’s hair and stop at the base of his neck, tracing there. ]
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or they could do both. dextera doesn’t really care, as long as they’re together. ]
OK.
[ slowly written, for how short a phrase it is. it just feels good to touch him. ]
Done. [ and just to promise that ] I decided to live.
[ it’s not really that easy, and guren knows that as well as dextera does—but it’s a start, and a proper response to guren’s reassurance earlier. if he can stay alive, he can eventually learn to deal with the pain. ]
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[ There’s a clear sigh of relief, and Guren laces his fingers back into Dextera’s hair. ] Keep living, even if it hurts, and someone will end up needing you. I had to tell Yuu the same thing. Just keep living.
[ He doesn’t ever want to hear that it’s too difficult for Dextera to live. Even if right now, he doesn’t want to say “I need you” out loud, he hopes it gets across well enough. Ugh, he wants to sleep through the night, but his own memory is similar, and maybe they should leave the morning as something nice. ]
...It’s my turn, huh. Are you ready right now?
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once he knows what guren has been through, maybe they can learn to heal together.
so he nods, and he starts to shift like he’s going to give guren space—but almost immediately, he realizes how little he actually wants to move when he can see guren’s face so clearly, and guren has those fingers laced in his hair.
he stays where he is. ]
Tell me. [ a pause. ] I’m here.
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You remember those friends I keep mentioning, right? [ He doesn’t look at Dextera to acknowledge this. ] Eight years ago, all of them died.
[ He’s just starting there ]
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[ that's a way to start, and although surprise briefly crosses his face—maybe a part of him isn't surprised at all, either. is it so strange, to be holding onto his precious friends who died long ago? the other things guren mentioned begin to fall into place, but dextera knows this can't be all there is to it.
there's more in guren's voice, in his face.
dextera pauses to process the beginning of this story, and then he manages a nod, his fingers shifting almost imperceptibly across guren's chest. just a reminder, and a nudge to keep going. ]
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[ His words are so simple compared to the memories. Blood everywhere, his screaming, his crying. But this is just how Guren describes what he remembers, keeping those details to himself and focusing on the main points. He takes a slow, deep breath. ]
I couldn’t stand it. There was a way to bring them back... but the cost was going to be large. You’re not meant to bring back the dead. Knowing that, I did it anyway, and 90% of the human population died because of me. I decided to bear the weight of that sin, just to see my friends smiling again.
[ But that’s not all either, of course. For now, he pauses, fingers curling again at Dextera’s neck. ]
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dextera doesn’t think any less of him, for it—what a noble reason, to kill the world. what did dextera do? he tried to merge with god. he ruined everything because he was selfish, and guren only wanted to see the smile of his friends again.
he would have done the same, he thinks. if he could have destroyed the world for his brother, he would have. ]
...
[ he moves his hand to touch guren’s cheek, again. ]
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[His eyes are hollow as he remembers, his hand moving back to rest over the one on his cheek, a feather light touch.] I was too weak. Seven coffins, two with unknown bodies... I did the experiment just like I was supposed to.
[The one he wasn't meant to touch.] The vampire who was with me at the time, Ferid, woke up one of the unknown bodies. He was a man, apparently meant to be a manual. He had agreed to take part in an experiment to save his daughter from her disease, and pay for her treatment. She was 22, so she was dead thanks to me.
He tried to kill me, but my connection with the demon was too much. Even just laying there and taking it, I couldn't die by the hands of someone normal like him. [So, that shares his regeneration info a little more, too.] I stopped him to ask if he remembered dying. He seemed stunned, and when I pressed it and asked again, something horrible happened.
His body floated and glowed and exploded, and there was nothing left at all of him. The rules of this regeneration were strict. Not only would my friends have only ten years to live, but if they heard anything about this, they'd die instantly.
They were smart, so I had to inject them all with anesthesia and get them out of there before they found out. I couldn't tell them a thing. I couldn't tell anyone.
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there’s not a part of dextera that blames him. others might, others would, but he understands that desire for just a second longer better than anyone else. he brushes his thumb along guren’s cheek, for a moment just watching guren, taking in that story.
guren got his friends back for ten years, at the cost of the world and the burden of a terrible secret. ]
You told me.
[ a reminder that now guren has shared this, and if it lightens his soul even a little, dextera would hear it a thousand times. ]
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[It does help, it really does, as small and as late as it is. But this is something he thinks of every day. Ten years— 8 are gone now. He's been stuck in this place for three months. He's losing precious time.]
They were too smart. I couldn't show even the slightest hint that I was thinking of something, I couldn't react to anything. Even the smallest sign would set Shinya off, at the very least.
[Imagine that!! Guren lets out a heavy sigh, relieved by Dextera's weight and his touch. His fingers drop away, though. He's tired, just from talking about this.]
I've got plenty of bad memories like that, but I'd say that one is the worst.
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...
[ he nods. it sounds like the worst to him. which is better, really? having a hundred bad memories, or having none at all? it isn't a contest, but dextera feels like he needs to be the one who can stand strong, in the face of all of guren's pain.
he sighs too, and although he does crawl off guren now, it's to immediately lay at his side. he's not going to stop touching guren for a second, as long as he can help it. ]
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He's a little sad Dextera slid off of him, but the closeness beside him is just as nice. Maybe now he won't have to resist the urge to stare at his lips like he's tempted. His hand moves next to him, finding Dextera's to intertwine their fingers properly. After all of the handholding they've done, he can get away with this, can't he? It probably seems like nothing but a normal comfort between friends.]
Thanks for listening.
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there are words in his chest that he wants to say. he wishes it were easier to form them. ]
Together.
[ it's not the first time he's said this—but it's the word he always seems to come back to. ]
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[He's embarrassed, but it's in the best way. His smile is one that he can't hold back, no matter how hard he tries, and their hands are warm together. Dextera still has his jacket, he still has his bracelet, but he doesn't even mind that. Selfishly, he wants to keep it for as long as he can.]
Together. [He gives in, finally, and says it himself, followed by a breathy chuckle.]
I guess I should come over any time I can't sleep. Maybe one of these times you'll actually be sleeping just fine.
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Heh.
[ he rests his cheek on guren’s shoulder, and there’s no denying that this is a cuddle. ]
Sleep better—with you.
[ in a totally heterosexual way of course ]
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[He wants to rip his own heart out so it stops beating so loudly. God, he's paranoid Dextera can hear it from where he is. He knows Crowley would be able to hear it from well across the room. And apparently Superman can hear everything at once? So now he's just thinking about all of that. Thanks, world.
He can only imagine what his friends would be saying, too. At least right now that makes him relax. He won't admit that he sleeps better next to Dextera, either.]
And even better with your chicken, right? You'd sleep with anything. [He's got the jokes]
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not anything, okay!! ]
Hmm.
[ he buries his face against guren’s shoulder, hiding now. embarrassed. ]
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Guren waits a second, then scrubs the back of Dextera's head a little with his hand.]
Come on, you can at least deny it.
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dextera shifts, until he’s lying prone with his stomach to the floor, and the side with his scar gently bumps against guren’s hip.
he’s not looking, but he signs for guren to see anyway. ]
Like this.
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It reminds you? [ And so it’s probably comfortable. That’s right... that’s all this is? He’s trying not to let selfish feelings get in the way of his care for Dextera’s feelings, but that makes him worry. He’s let go of his hand to let him turn, and now he feels too weird to ask for it back. Both of his stay folded over his stomach. ]
There’s nothing wrong with that.
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that’s not all there is to it, but dextera doesn’t know that guren thinks that to correct him. instead, he carries on exactly as he planned, which is to let his hand drop to guren’s chest.
not holding hands anymore, no, but there’s something intimate about the way his palm is lightly, loosely spread over guren’s heart, too.
dextera sighs out a long breath. ]
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It’s like... how he viewed Mahiru as a goddess, actually. He remembers because she giggles in his mind, and thanks to the drug he has more of, he can keep it at that. ]
...
[ He has a lot he wants to know the answer to, but nothing he can ask. Instead, he ignores the pounding of his heart and shifts his leg to bump with Dextera’s, a solution to his craving for more contact, for now. ]
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but how? how can he do that when he’s here? is he doomed to never get what he wants, as long as his guilt stands in the way? it’s something that stops him from seeking the fulfillment he’s desperate for, and why all he can do is take solace in the fact that guren lets him be here, side-to-side. ]
...?
[ dextera isn’t falling asleep yet, but he doesn’t move much when guren touches his leg. instead, his fingers twitch so slightly, and he shifts so that he can return guren’s little nudge.
he wants to hold hands. ]
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...Let's get some sleep.
[That's all... This hand holding can just be excused by their lack of touch over a week. It's a comfort, like he told Fushimi. That's what Dextera wants. A comfort. Guren lets his eyes close again.]
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