[Guren's breath catches, too, and he presses more of his hand against that scar. It seems like it's helping, though he doesn't know if it's from distraction or actual pressure, so he'll help with both.
His free hand closes and moves the laptop to the side in a hurry. He brings it between them and touches Dextera's cheek, and the way he exhales is almost like a laugh.]
I can touch you again.
[God, thank god, he doesn't even care how dumb he sounds saying that aloud.]
[ dextera knew that he missed this, but he didn’t realize how much—how relieved he would be to have it back, and he closes his eyes when guren touches his cheek.
guren. it’s like a mantra, in his head, and all he can think about for a moment is how desperately he wants to have this touch forever.
he slides his hand down guren’s arm, so his hand is over guren’s, and his other hand lifts, trembling, to touch guren’s cheek as well. ]
[He's just as surprised, if not more. He's well aware of complicated feelings that he doesn't want to deal with or even think about, but this is a powerful pull. Like a reverse of the magnetic feeling that was pushing him back this whole time, he wants to be close to Dextera. Impossibly close.
The best he can do, he thinks, is to move his hand away from Dextera's cheek and around him, yanking him close.]
Come here.
[He had hassled Noctis about "not doing hugs," and so it wasn't like he could use that as an excuse himself, anyway.]
the voice of his brother fades from the back of his mind, for a moment, the emptiness within dextera filled by the feeling of having someone so close to him. someone so important—guren, who is beyond anyone else dextera has ever known.
his shirt slips back down over his scar, and he squeezes guren, practically pulling himself into guren’s lap since his laptop has been cast aside.
is this a reward? he doesn’t know. he doesn’t care. this is reward enough. ]
[He's not normally the greatest at hugs. He sits there and lets them happen with barely any response himself, and he kind of does that now, as Dextera pulls himself forward and he's practically in his lap. Guren is relieved, he's shocked, and he's happy, and so it takes a minute or so of just processing it like this, his hands pressed lightly at Dextera's back, over his own jacket draped over those shoulders.
But then, that's not enough comfort after so long. It's not enough joy. His weight shifts, his arm hooks tight around Dextera's waist, and he falls onto his back, taking Dextera with him, pulling him on top of him.
His lips quirk up playfully, and there's more of a squeeze in return, as brief as it is.]
It can hurt to live, after losing someone close to you. [He finally speaks, his breathing slow, forced calm.] It can feel impossible, like the last thing you want to do each and every day. But I'm glad you did. And there are plenty of people who are glad you did.
I know the pain of that memory won't go away, but I hope you know that much.
[ dextera doesn’t expect guren to fall like that, and he clings even though there’s no real danger and he’s soon settled easily on top of guren, a light weight that probably doesn’t hurt at all. the sudden shift of it helps take his mind off all that he just shared, and even if guren is right, that the pain will never completely subside, he has plenty of friends to help him through it.
his gaze is soft, as he looks down at guren, but some red is pricking at his skin and his eyes look glassy—like he’s going to cry, and desperately doesn’t want to.
he knows he cries too often, and it’s embarrassing, even now when he’s perfectly justified in it. so he tries to just nod. ]
[Normally, Guren is the first one to call people out on being cry babies. In this case, though, it certainly is fair, and he doesn't want to even tease Dextera about something he seems to genuinely try holding back. He doesn't want him to feel like he can't let his feelings out at all...
So, there's a fond look on Guren's face, and he moves one of his hands to the back of Dextera's head, stroking fingers through his hair. He can't believe it's just back. It must have passed midnight... A full week. That's it.]
I want you to make sure you're really done with your part. Relax, feel better, and I can talk about mine at any time. [It's nicer to just enjoy this for a while, anyway.]
[ is he done with his part? he’s gotten through the worst of it, he thinks—being separated from his brother, the scar along his side. the rest of it, the aftermath, he doesn’t remember.
he’s still missing fifteen years, between the emotional end of his life and the apocalypse, but he can’t even imagine what happened. things ceased to matter for him, didn’t they?
but now, he’s fine. he’s fine. ]
...
[ he exhales, touching guren’s face softly, just to touch. he’s thinking, if there’s anything more he wants to say. ]
[He almost wishes they could stay like this. Maybe they could, for a long while, without moving on to any other horrible memories. Maybe they could fall asleep, and Guren could put this off til tomorrow.
At the very least, the touch is comforting, after being starved from it for so long. No one else gets close to Guren like this, either. He lets his eyes drift closed and tilts his head just slightly into that palm, letting the comfortable silence continue.]
[ dextera wants something more from this moment—something he can’t place a name to, but something that aches in his chest all the same. it’s like longing, but not quite, or it’s at least something he tells himself it’s silly to feel when he has guren right here.
there’s nothing to long for. ]
Sleeping?
[ written out, on his chest, after ghosting his fingers down guren’s face, his neck, testing the boundaries of their touch once again. ]
[ Ah... Guren longs for plenty himself. Their bodies are so close that he thinks he’s set himself up for some sort of failure, and then the feeling of Dextera’s hand tracing down him makes him shudder, and he tries to keep it subtle. His eyes stay closed at the question, but his lips turn up slightly in a smile. ]
I’m just thinking about it. [ It’s late, this is nice... He doesn’t mind Dextera’s weight on top of him at all. His heart is beating hard, of course. ]
I’m still awake. [ If he wants to say more. To do anything more... though Guren knows that’s too much to think of. Still, his fingers run through Dextera’s hair and stop at the base of his neck, tracing there. ]
[ this feels so nice, so precious, that dextera doesn’t want to ruin it by talking about the things that have hurt them. the quest will still be there tomorrow, won’t it? if guren stays the night, they can discuss it in the morning, and they can take the evening to make up for all this touching they didn’t get to do before.
or they could do both. dextera doesn’t really care, as long as they’re together. ]
OK.
[ slowly written, for how short a phrase it is. it just feels good to touch him. ]
Done. [ and just to promise that ] I decided to live.
[ it’s not really that easy, and guren knows that as well as dextera does—but it’s a start, and a proper response to guren’s reassurance earlier. if he can stay alive, he can eventually learn to deal with the pain. ]
[ There’s a clear sigh of relief, and Guren laces his fingers back into Dextera’s hair. ] Keep living, even if it hurts, and someone will end up needing you. I had to tell Yuu the same thing. Just keep living.
[ He doesn’t ever want to hear that it’s too difficult for Dextera to live. Even if right now, he doesn’t want to say “I need you” out loud, he hopes it gets across well enough. Ugh, he wants to sleep through the night, but his own memory is similar, and maybe they should leave the morning as something nice. ]
[ honestly, things have settled so nicely between them that dextera wants to tell him no, never mind, guren doesn’t have to say anything—but it was good for dextera to share his pain, and he thinks it will be good for guren, too.
once he knows what guren has been through, maybe they can learn to heal together.
so he nods, and he starts to shift like he’s going to give guren space—but almost immediately, he realizes how little he actually wants to move when he can see guren’s face so clearly, and guren has those fingers laced in his hair.
[ Guren takes a moment first, opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling, fingers stilling in Dextera’s hair. He was going to tell this at home and didn’t even get the chance since Ferid beat him to it, but now he’s thinking about how all over again. ]
You remember those friends I keep mentioning, right? [ He doesn’t look at Dextera to acknowledge this. ] Eight years ago, all of them died.
[ that's a way to start, and although surprise briefly crosses his face—maybe a part of him isn't surprised at all, either. is it so strange, to be holding onto his precious friends who died long ago? the other things guren mentioned begin to fall into place, but dextera knows this can't be all there is to it.
there's more in guren's voice, in his face.
dextera pauses to process the beginning of this story, and then he manages a nod, his fingers shifting almost imperceptibly across guren's chest. just a reminder, and a nudge to keep going. ]
I couldn’t protect them, just like I couldn’t protect Mahiru. They had helped me through everything, and now they were dead.
[ His words are so simple compared to the memories. Blood everywhere, his screaming, his crying. But this is just how Guren describes what he remembers, keeping those details to himself and focusing on the main points. He takes a slow, deep breath. ]
I couldn’t stand it. There was a way to bring them back... but the cost was going to be large. You’re not meant to bring back the dead. Knowing that, I did it anyway, and 90% of the human population died because of me. I decided to bear the weight of that sin, just to see my friends smiling again.
[ But that’s not all either, of course. For now, he pauses, fingers curling again at Dextera’s neck. ]
dextera doesn’t think any less of him, for it—what a noble reason, to kill the world. what did dextera do? he tried to merge with god. he ruined everything because he was selfish, and guren only wanted to see the smile of his friends again.
he would have done the same, he thinks. if he could have destroyed the world for his brother, he would have. ]
...
[ he moves his hand to touch guren’s cheek, again. ]
I had promised them I'd keep them alive, and that I wouldn't touch the taboo.
[His eyes are hollow as he remembers, his hand moving back to rest over the one on his cheek, a feather light touch.] I was too weak. Seven coffins, two with unknown bodies... I did the experiment just like I was supposed to.
[The one he wasn't meant to touch.] The vampire who was with me at the time, Ferid, woke up one of the unknown bodies. He was a man, apparently meant to be a manual. He had agreed to take part in an experiment to save his daughter from her disease, and pay for her treatment. She was 22, so she was dead thanks to me.
He tried to kill me, but my connection with the demon was too much. Even just laying there and taking it, I couldn't die by the hands of someone normal like him. [So, that shares his regeneration info a little more, too.] I stopped him to ask if he remembered dying. He seemed stunned, and when I pressed it and asked again, something horrible happened.
His body floated and glowed and exploded, and there was nothing left at all of him. The rules of this regeneration were strict. Not only would my friends have only ten years to live, but if they heard anything about this, they'd die instantly.
They were smart, so I had to inject them all with anesthesia and get them out of there before they found out. I couldn't tell them a thing. I couldn't tell anyone.
[ dextera listens with all the quiet patience of a saint. his friends—guren’s precious friends, on a time limit. for them, the world, even though guren must have known it wouldn’t be forever.
there’s not a part of dextera that blames him. others might, others would, but he understands that desire for just a second longer better than anyone else. he brushes his thumb along guren’s cheek, for a moment just watching guren, taking in that story.
guren got his friends back for ten years, at the cost of the world and the burden of a terrible secret. ]
You told me.
[ a reminder that now guren has shared this, and if it lightens his soul even a little, dextera would hear it a thousand times. ]
[It does help, it really does, as small and as late as it is. But this is something he thinks of every day. Ten years— 8 are gone now. He's been stuck in this place for three months. He's losing precious time.]
They were too smart. I couldn't show even the slightest hint that I was thinking of something, I couldn't react to anything. Even the smallest sign would set Shinya off, at the very least.
[Imagine that!! Guren lets out a heavy sigh, relieved by Dextera's weight and his touch. His fingers drop away, though. He's tired, just from talking about this.]
I've got plenty of bad memories like that, but I'd say that one is the worst.
[ worse than the act itself, dextera thinks, is the keeping it secret. not being able to share something like that with someone so important... guren must have been carrying such a heavy weight. no wonder he's the way he is when it comes to emotional displays. his life has been an impossible balancing act, and dextera wishes there was something he could do for that. ]
...
[ he nods. it sounds like the worst to him. which is better, really? having a hundred bad memories, or having none at all? it isn't a contest, but dextera feels like he needs to be the one who can stand strong, in the face of all of guren's pain.
he sighs too, and although he does crawl off guren now, it's to immediately lay at his side. he's not going to stop touching guren for a second, as long as he can help it. ]
[This moment, as heavy as it is, is nice. They can touch again, and when he couldn't sleep, he came here and found Dextera in the same situation. It said a lot, it made him relax a lot, and now they were helping each other with that. As simple as that.
He's a little sad Dextera slid off of him, but the closeness beside him is just as nice. Maybe now he won't have to resist the urge to stare at his lips like he's tempted. His hand moves next to him, finding Dextera's to intertwine their fingers properly. After all of the handholding they've done, he can get away with this, can't he? It probably seems like nothing but a normal comfort between friends.]
[ dextera doesn't resist this lacing at all—he wouldn't have even on a normal day, but now, he actively responds to it, warm with the comfort of having guren so close to him. he's happy, even though half of him is dead, and guren's friends don't have much longer. is that selfish? maybe. but he's selfish. he doesn't want to think about the apocalypse, or all the things that are waiting for him back in his world. he doesn't want guren to think about those things, either, not when the two of them are here together and that's all dextera could ever ask for.
there are words in his chest that he wants to say. he wishes it were easier to form them. ]
Together.
[ it's not the first time he's said this—but it's the word he always seems to come back to. ]
[He's embarrassed, but it's in the best way. His smile is one that he can't hold back, no matter how hard he tries, and their hands are warm together. Dextera still has his jacket, he still has his bracelet, but he doesn't even mind that. Selfishly, he wants to keep it for as long as he can.]
Together. [He gives in, finally, and says it himself, followed by a breathy chuckle.]
I guess I should come over any time I can't sleep. Maybe one of these times you'll actually be sleeping just fine.
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His free hand closes and moves the laptop to the side in a hurry. He brings it between them and touches Dextera's cheek, and the way he exhales is almost like a laugh.]
I can touch you again.
[God, thank god, he doesn't even care how dumb he sounds saying that aloud.]
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guren. it’s like a mantra, in his head, and all he can think about for a moment is how desperately he wants to have this touch forever.
he slides his hand down guren’s arm, so his hand is over guren’s, and his other hand lifts, trembling, to touch guren’s cheek as well. ]
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The best he can do, he thinks, is to move his hand away from Dextera's cheek and around him, yanking him close.]
Come here.
[He had hassled Noctis about "not doing hugs," and so it wasn't like he could use that as an excuse himself, anyway.]
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the voice of his brother fades from the back of his mind, for a moment, the emptiness within dextera filled by the feeling of having someone so close to him. someone so important—guren, who is beyond anyone else dextera has ever known.
his shirt slips back down over his scar, and he squeezes guren, practically pulling himself into guren’s lap since his laptop has been cast aside.
is this a reward? he doesn’t know. he doesn’t care. this is reward enough. ]
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But then, that's not enough comfort after so long. It's not enough joy. His weight shifts, his arm hooks tight around Dextera's waist, and he falls onto his back, taking Dextera with him, pulling him on top of him.
His lips quirk up playfully, and there's more of a squeeze in return, as brief as it is.]
It can hurt to live, after losing someone close to you. [He finally speaks, his breathing slow, forced calm.] It can feel impossible, like the last thing you want to do each and every day. But I'm glad you did. And there are plenty of people who are glad you did.
I know the pain of that memory won't go away, but I hope you know that much.
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[ dextera doesn’t expect guren to fall like that, and he clings even though there’s no real danger and he’s soon settled easily on top of guren, a light weight that probably doesn’t hurt at all. the sudden shift of it helps take his mind off all that he just shared, and even if guren is right, that the pain will never completely subside, he has plenty of friends to help him through it.
his gaze is soft, as he looks down at guren, but some red is pricking at his skin and his eyes look glassy—like he’s going to cry, and desperately doesn’t want to.
he knows he cries too often, and it’s embarrassing, even now when he’s perfectly justified in it. so he tries to just nod. ]
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So, there's a fond look on Guren's face, and he moves one of his hands to the back of Dextera's head, stroking fingers through his hair. He can't believe it's just back. It must have passed midnight... A full week. That's it.]
I want you to make sure you're really done with your part. Relax, feel better, and I can talk about mine at any time. [It's nicer to just enjoy this for a while, anyway.]
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he’s still missing fifteen years, between the emotional end of his life and the apocalypse, but he can’t even imagine what happened. things ceased to matter for him, didn’t they?
but now, he’s fine. he’s fine. ]
...
[ he exhales, touching guren’s face softly, just to touch. he’s thinking, if there’s anything more he wants to say. ]
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At the very least, the touch is comforting, after being starved from it for so long. No one else gets close to Guren like this, either. He lets his eyes drift closed and tilts his head just slightly into that palm, letting the comfortable silence continue.]
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there’s nothing to long for. ]
Sleeping?
[ written out, on his chest, after ghosting his fingers down guren’s face, his neck, testing the boundaries of their touch once again. ]
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I’m just thinking about it. [ It’s late, this is nice... He doesn’t mind Dextera’s weight on top of him at all. His heart is beating hard, of course. ]
I’m still awake. [ If he wants to say more. To do anything more... though Guren knows that’s too much to think of. Still, his fingers run through Dextera’s hair and stop at the base of his neck, tracing there. ]
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or they could do both. dextera doesn’t really care, as long as they’re together. ]
OK.
[ slowly written, for how short a phrase it is. it just feels good to touch him. ]
Done. [ and just to promise that ] I decided to live.
[ it’s not really that easy, and guren knows that as well as dextera does—but it’s a start, and a proper response to guren’s reassurance earlier. if he can stay alive, he can eventually learn to deal with the pain. ]
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[ There’s a clear sigh of relief, and Guren laces his fingers back into Dextera’s hair. ] Keep living, even if it hurts, and someone will end up needing you. I had to tell Yuu the same thing. Just keep living.
[ He doesn’t ever want to hear that it’s too difficult for Dextera to live. Even if right now, he doesn’t want to say “I need you” out loud, he hopes it gets across well enough. Ugh, he wants to sleep through the night, but his own memory is similar, and maybe they should leave the morning as something nice. ]
...It’s my turn, huh. Are you ready right now?
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once he knows what guren has been through, maybe they can learn to heal together.
so he nods, and he starts to shift like he’s going to give guren space—but almost immediately, he realizes how little he actually wants to move when he can see guren’s face so clearly, and guren has those fingers laced in his hair.
he stays where he is. ]
Tell me. [ a pause. ] I’m here.
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You remember those friends I keep mentioning, right? [ He doesn’t look at Dextera to acknowledge this. ] Eight years ago, all of them died.
[ He’s just starting there ]
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[ that's a way to start, and although surprise briefly crosses his face—maybe a part of him isn't surprised at all, either. is it so strange, to be holding onto his precious friends who died long ago? the other things guren mentioned begin to fall into place, but dextera knows this can't be all there is to it.
there's more in guren's voice, in his face.
dextera pauses to process the beginning of this story, and then he manages a nod, his fingers shifting almost imperceptibly across guren's chest. just a reminder, and a nudge to keep going. ]
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[ His words are so simple compared to the memories. Blood everywhere, his screaming, his crying. But this is just how Guren describes what he remembers, keeping those details to himself and focusing on the main points. He takes a slow, deep breath. ]
I couldn’t stand it. There was a way to bring them back... but the cost was going to be large. You’re not meant to bring back the dead. Knowing that, I did it anyway, and 90% of the human population died because of me. I decided to bear the weight of that sin, just to see my friends smiling again.
[ But that’s not all either, of course. For now, he pauses, fingers curling again at Dextera’s neck. ]
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dextera doesn’t think any less of him, for it—what a noble reason, to kill the world. what did dextera do? he tried to merge with god. he ruined everything because he was selfish, and guren only wanted to see the smile of his friends again.
he would have done the same, he thinks. if he could have destroyed the world for his brother, he would have. ]
...
[ he moves his hand to touch guren’s cheek, again. ]
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[His eyes are hollow as he remembers, his hand moving back to rest over the one on his cheek, a feather light touch.] I was too weak. Seven coffins, two with unknown bodies... I did the experiment just like I was supposed to.
[The one he wasn't meant to touch.] The vampire who was with me at the time, Ferid, woke up one of the unknown bodies. He was a man, apparently meant to be a manual. He had agreed to take part in an experiment to save his daughter from her disease, and pay for her treatment. She was 22, so she was dead thanks to me.
He tried to kill me, but my connection with the demon was too much. Even just laying there and taking it, I couldn't die by the hands of someone normal like him. [So, that shares his regeneration info a little more, too.] I stopped him to ask if he remembered dying. He seemed stunned, and when I pressed it and asked again, something horrible happened.
His body floated and glowed and exploded, and there was nothing left at all of him. The rules of this regeneration were strict. Not only would my friends have only ten years to live, but if they heard anything about this, they'd die instantly.
They were smart, so I had to inject them all with anesthesia and get them out of there before they found out. I couldn't tell them a thing. I couldn't tell anyone.
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there’s not a part of dextera that blames him. others might, others would, but he understands that desire for just a second longer better than anyone else. he brushes his thumb along guren’s cheek, for a moment just watching guren, taking in that story.
guren got his friends back for ten years, at the cost of the world and the burden of a terrible secret. ]
You told me.
[ a reminder that now guren has shared this, and if it lightens his soul even a little, dextera would hear it a thousand times. ]
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[It does help, it really does, as small and as late as it is. But this is something he thinks of every day. Ten years— 8 are gone now. He's been stuck in this place for three months. He's losing precious time.]
They were too smart. I couldn't show even the slightest hint that I was thinking of something, I couldn't react to anything. Even the smallest sign would set Shinya off, at the very least.
[Imagine that!! Guren lets out a heavy sigh, relieved by Dextera's weight and his touch. His fingers drop away, though. He's tired, just from talking about this.]
I've got plenty of bad memories like that, but I'd say that one is the worst.
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...
[ he nods. it sounds like the worst to him. which is better, really? having a hundred bad memories, or having none at all? it isn't a contest, but dextera feels like he needs to be the one who can stand strong, in the face of all of guren's pain.
he sighs too, and although he does crawl off guren now, it's to immediately lay at his side. he's not going to stop touching guren for a second, as long as he can help it. ]
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He's a little sad Dextera slid off of him, but the closeness beside him is just as nice. Maybe now he won't have to resist the urge to stare at his lips like he's tempted. His hand moves next to him, finding Dextera's to intertwine their fingers properly. After all of the handholding they've done, he can get away with this, can't he? It probably seems like nothing but a normal comfort between friends.]
Thanks for listening.
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there are words in his chest that he wants to say. he wishes it were easier to form them. ]
Together.
[ it's not the first time he's said this—but it's the word he always seems to come back to. ]
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[He's embarrassed, but it's in the best way. His smile is one that he can't hold back, no matter how hard he tries, and their hands are warm together. Dextera still has his jacket, he still has his bracelet, but he doesn't even mind that. Selfishly, he wants to keep it for as long as he can.]
Together. [He gives in, finally, and says it himself, followed by a breathy chuckle.]
I guess I should come over any time I can't sleep. Maybe one of these times you'll actually be sleeping just fine.
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