awashlogs | I'm a shapeshifter, chained down to my core

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I'm a shapeshifter, chained down to my core

WHO: Akechi and Akira
WHERE: their Secret Place
WHEN: After new arrivals
WHAT: Loyalty quest, feat. gross mush.
WARNINGS: None

[ As much as he had made an effort to forget about it, Akechi couldn't quite let go of the events that had transpired the previous month-- of the memory Akira had shared with him, and lost forever in the process. Knowing about his childhood, getting to experience it first hand... that didn't bother him as much as the thought that it made them uneven, even if Akechi had shared something of his own at the time. It just wasn't enough. He felt... indebted, somehow.

The new month came with new possibilities, though-- new abilities, and perhaps a new chance to settle his score. Maybe it's time to use the Town's whimsies to his favor.

With his newly found (and possibly temporary) powers, Akechi has set off to decorate their secret place with flurries of cherry blossoms, vivid and fragrant and just as beautiful as they would be in a Japanese spring, and though the only trees in sight are the woods outside, the petals seem to sprout and shower from every nook and corner, almost like those brick walls were breathing them into life. Inside, he has also stored away some fruit and snacks for an indoors picnic-- this is as close as they're getting to a proper hanami, after all, so he wants to do it right.

(Maybe he wants to do more than flower viewing, too. Maybe, if the opportunity arises, he can truly show Akira how much he appreciates him and everything he's done.)

An invitation is slipped under Cafe Morgana's door, old fashioned and personal, and in that same evening, Akechi sets off again to their place to wait for Akira's arrival. ]

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[ ... ah. That wasn't actually the break of trust Akechi had in mind, but this doesn't make him feel any better about it.

He casts his eyes downwards, and his hand leaves Akira's hair unattended for a minute. Even now after they've just exchanged such meaningful vows, it's hard for him to take a step that will leave him vulnerable, and terribly close to the truth he's been hiding all this time, but-- ]

What if you hadn't done anything to prompt it, though? What if you were completely innocent?

[ A lot more than Akechi will ever be. ]

...It would still depend on the reasons.

[There could be misunderstandings, extenuating circumstances, brainwashing... and the simple fact that they didn't really know each other, back then.]

I think I could work past it, if they were truly sorry, and had their reasons.

[Maybe this is a prompting? Maybe Akechi will finally tell him...]

If they had their reasons...

[ He trails off into silence again, dancing around the mental steps to a definite decision. He wants to be more honest-- at least with Akira, at least about this much-- but as much as he can rationalize and conclude Akira is far too kind for his own sake and might very well forgive him, he can't help but feel... scared.

He looks down again, searches for any traces of understanding in Akira's eyes, and courage, within himself. ]

Even if you did not agree with those reasons?

...Even then.

[After all, in this situation it's unlikely he would agree with them. But that doesn't necessarily mean he couldn't move past it.

Still, he's starting to feel where this conversation is going, and he can't help but tense a little against Akechi's lap. He's mentally prepared for this, or at least tried to, but there's only so much one can anticipate, in a situation as strange as theirs.]

I'd try to see it from their perspective.

[ Akechi does feel him tense up against his lap, even if only minimally, and while his first impulse is to sink his fingers in that frizzy hair and offer him some comfort, he finds his own limbs frozen on the spot. As though afraid Akira would reject him.

Afraid he doesn't even deserve Akira, to begin with. ]

What if their perspective was one that could have ruined your life?

[ Or maybe, one that could have ended it. ]

[Ah. They're just going around in circles, aren't they?

After a moment, Akira rises off Akechi's lap, though he doesn't leave, staying firmly next to him on the mattress. He turns to look at him, seeking his eyes - his own are kind and warm, even if his words are a bit blunt.]

As much as I love being interrogated [Hah.], if you have something to say... you can tell me anything, okay? I mean it.

[And for reassurance, he reaches out to take Akechi's hands.]

[ Akechi's initial reaction is involuntary, a reflex to dodge Akira's searching glance. As much as they have grown closer, as much as Akechi trusts him and the comforting warmth of those hands, his line of thinking is... dangerous. A point of no return.

It's terrifying. ]

Ah, my apologies. I didn't mean to subject you to so many hypotheticals...

[ And there he is, slipping right back into his practiced manners and distance, though he does catch himself before it's too late-- before his oldest friend catches up to and greets him with an unrelenting embrace. Loneliness leaves no room for bonds.

He doesn't want to go back, though. He doesn't want to lose everything he's built with Akira. But... could their relationship really withstand this kind of test...? ]

I just...

[ He closes his eyes, tightens his grip on Akira's fingers. ]

I can't help but think of how hard it would have been for you, if you had truly been put through an interrogation.

[ For more than alleged assault charges, he means. ]

[“I have,” he wants to say. “I have and it hurt. I’ve never been more scared. I still have dreams about it.”

Alas, he can’t be quite so honest with Akechi - that is a pain he has to keep locked away inside himself. Instead, he focuses on what Akechi is saying now; keeping himself in the present, not the past.]

What do you mean...? [He says it innocently, watching Akechi’s face.] You mean, if I’d been captured?

[He doesn’t get any more specific than that. He doesn’t want to slip now, reveal he knows too much.]

[ If only he could be that honest, then Akechi would feel even more unsure about what he's trying to do here-- he might, perhaps, even end the relationship on the spot, knowing that Akira had already seen his true colors. ]

If you had been captured... yes.

[ Fortunately, Akira doesn't go that far, so Akechi can still try add his own spin to it. His own truth. After all, from his point in time, he hasn't betrayed the Thieves, and the possibility is now just a long forgotten hypothetical that he's genuinely decided not to follow through with. A future that never was.

One that never will be, if he has any say in it. ]

Or perhaps... if someone had turned you in.

[ Still, that doesn't make his task any easier. ]

You mean... if someone had betrayed me?

[His stomach swoops. Even with the information he has, thinking of Akechi betraying him now still hurts. They’ve grown close, in so many ways... he wants to believe in the best of Akechi, and that means believing he would never betray him.]

That’s what you mean?

Edited 2019-06-24 00:59 (UTC)

[ The ordeal isn't much different for Akechi; his own stomach is churning, a knife drawing chills in zigzag lines inside. ]

That is... such a strong word.

[ Betraying Akira, breaking his trust... Even though it has never left the realm of intentions, the very idea that he would turn him in, and later end his life in cold blood... As much as it was forever ago, as much as he's sworn to himself that he will protect Akira at all costs now... Could they really move past it?

He needs to try. ]

But, it is accurate, all the same.

[ He needs to press forward, push through his fears. It's the only way they can be truly real. ]

Striking a convenient deal only to later hand you over to the authorities, never making good on the word that was given... That would surely be an act of betrayal, wouldn't it...

...What are you saying, Goro?

[His heart stampedes through his chest. Is a confession coming, after all this time?

Can they finally be truthful to each other?]

Do you mean... our deal, to change Niijima-san’s heart?

[ That name, Akechi's own name... Even that small step had taken them so long to take, and hearing it now only makes him more scared of what he might lose. Is this the last time Akira will ever call him Goro...?

Deep down, he knows he should trust the feelings they have for each other, should trust Akira and the kindness of that (stupid, stupid) heart of his, but what if it's not enough? What if he read too much into near confessions over a talk of gloves, where neither said the words they should have-- not how they should have. What if their unquestionable truth is no more but misaligned feelings?

What if Akira only loves a fake...?

When Akechi finally looks up, there's clear hesitation in his eyes, as he searches Akira's for any signs his voice wasn't giving away-- whether judgement or fear, or even understanding, anything to give him solid direction. ]

... I would never break that deal. Not now, after all we have been through.

[ That's where he decides to start, to make his current intentions clear right off the bat. Hopefully Akira can trust him about that much, considering the suspicions he's about to confirm.

The next part if harder to say, though, so he takes a deep breath, averts his look yet again. ]

But, at that time... That was something I had in mind.

[Not now.

Even though he felt it, the confirmation makes Akira's heart somersault. Could it be that he really did it? Did he really change Akechi's fate, even once they return?

But that is a question for a later day - for now, Akira focuses on Akechi's face, his movements, his tone as he finally says it.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself, but when he speaks, his voice is measured, calm, and not unkind. He hopes it reassures Akechi not to run.]

You mean, you were planning to turn us in?

[ It doesn't reassure him, though, not really. But he knows there's no running away now. ]

Not all of you.

[ Though he can't bring himself to say it, the implication should be clear. There was never any need to turn in the entire group; he just needed one person to set the example.

What better choice than their leader, right? ]

I never really agreed with your methods. [ He pushes onwards, still unable to look Akira in the eye. ] Even now, I still don't-- and you should know that much, as I've never made a secret out of it. But, it is not as though I had a particular grudge against the Phantom Thieves, or even planning to do it as a means to win a case. It was just...

[ And here he is, down to the most critical part of his confession. He can't-- or rather, he could make up yet another lie to explain his reasoning, but he doesn't want to. He wants to be more honest. ]

... it was something I felt that had to be done, for the sake of my justice.

[ Yet, this is all the truth he can (safely) reveal for now. ]

[Akira's eyes falter, for a moment. So Akechi isn't wholly lying to him now, but he isn't telling the full truth, either. Akira will have to tread lightly with his response.

But even with all that he knows... he still has so many questions. They've been inside him this whole time, and now, finally, he might be able to get a few answers.

As such, the searching looking he gives Akechi is real, his eyes roving over his face.]

I'm not mad, but... why? Why would turning me in help your justice? [And he really means it, though he wishes he could go further. How did helping your father with his plan achieve justice?]

Just because... because I didn't trust the law, to take care of things?

[Of all people, he must know why Akira is hesitant to think justice could be served through any official means.]

[ Not mad, huh? This would have been so much easier, if he was. So much easier if he lashed out and left and acted more like a regular, less than stellar human being.

As it is, though... he feels like they're not standing on equal footing. Like he's not worthy of continuing. ]

It wasn't like that. [ A shake of his head, and another moment until he can collect his thoughts, cherry-pick his words so he's not downright lying. ]

However, turning you in would send a clear message: that no criminal can escape without punishment. Not even one whose methods are as elusive as that of the Phantom Thieves.

[ And that, of course, includes Shido himself, whose entire rise to power had been reliant on Akechi's services. ]

...I see.

[He wonders if Akechi still thinks of him as a criminal. Maybe so - he said he still doesn't approve of his methods as Joker, after all. Of course, he knows that's secretly a bit hypocritical, but it seems Akechi is determined to steer clear of that revelation for now.

Well, that's fine - it's a step. One more step towards full honesty.

Speaking of honesty, though...]

I... kinda knew. I mean, we anticipated the possibility. [He gives a one shoulder shrug, a bit self-conscious now.] Makoto and Futaba... they wouldn't have let me agree to your terms if we weren't prepared for everything. So, we had a plan.

[He looks down now, at his lap, and idly plays with a strand of bang.]

I didn't trust you then. Not... not like I do now.

[ Akechi's eyes immediately shoot upwards at that confession, wide in incredulity and... a little something else. ]

You... knew?

[ He may have corrected it right after, but the words were still there, honest and real. It wasn't like a feeling or solid suspicion; Akira knew. And Makoto and Futaba... the former, he could understand-- he has to begrudgingly admit she's one of the few with more than two brain cells in the group-- but the tech nerd? Why her? She wasn't as cautious as Niijima, and as brilliant as she was with machines, she wasn't particularly good at foresight--

... good with machines, though. He vaguely remembers the incident with his phone, grabbed under the pretense of excitement for his model of choice. For an expert hacker, that could have easily been--

As the color (metaphorically, this time) near drains from his face, he realizes that something else might have been fear. ]

What do you mean...?

[ Whether about his plan, or about his knowing, Akechi doesn't clarify. ]

[Ah... did he reveal too much?

Akira tries to calm himself and think. That look in Akechi's eyes worries him - if he spooks him now, who knows what could happen...]

Like I said, we just guessed. You were pretty clear that you didn't agree with our methods, and we didn't trust you. I thought for sure Ryuji was going to blow everything - he doesn't like you at all.

[A chuckle, as an attempt to lighten the mood. Though that's true enough - the others had worried Ryuji might say something that would tip Akechi off. But he didn't.]

After you steal a treasure, the palace collapses. We kept you in the dark on that, so we could escape in the confusion. We were hoping you wouldn't make a move on us once we were long gone from the courthouse.

[That part is a lie.]

[ Akechi stares at him for a moment longer, deadly silent, not a sketch of an expression on his face. He, too, needs to keep his cool about it so he won't say or show any more than necessary, but as it turns out, that borders dangerously close to cold. ]

... I see.

[ There's a lot to process here-- the information that's being given, yes, but also Akira's reaction to it. He's collected, though it's not like he's the type to go desperate even under dire circumstances, so this isn't much of an indicator. And what he says... does make sense, Akechi supposes; it's true he didn't know about Palaces collapsing once the treasure had been taken, and that had been the one moment Akechi once had in mind for catching Joker in the act... In theory, everything matches, and the worst of his secret is still safe-- after all, there's no way Akira would have grown this close to him, if he'd known about his... side job.

Then... why does he feel so panicked, still? ]

So in the end, we were both lying to each other, huh...?

...I guess.

[He can admit that much, after all. It's true - they were lying to each other, and really, they still are. But Akira can't reveal more, can't come forward with the whole truth, unless Akechi does.

So for now, this is all the truth he tells.]

I'm sorry.

[It comes out quietly, but honestly. He really is sorry about lying to Akechi all this time, and more importantly that he will continue to lie.]

Not... about not wanting to get caught. I don't really want to go to jail. [He smiles ruefully at that.] But... as we grew closer... I didn't like that I was still lying. I didn't want it to hurt you.

But I also wasn't sure... if you still thought of me as a criminal.

[He looks up into Akechi's eyes. Does he?]

[ ... oh. That look.

Akechi has to take another moment to go over his feelings before his words. It's hypocritical, yes, but he was angry to be lied to, especially by the one person he'd come to trust with his life; on the other hand, he reasonably knows Akira's wariness was justified-- and fair game, too, considering what Akechi really had been planning to do.

With a deep breath, he tries to calm himself and push that less than pleasant side of him to the back of his mind, focuses on his genuine, good feelings for Akira. It's... almost like calling upon a Persona, he realizes. ]

... I'm sorry, too.

[ It's so little, but even saying the words - and truly meaning them - takes a weight off his chest, brings him closer to the side of him that Akira had come to love. ]

I suppose I understand why you kept it from me. Even I took so long to be able to confide in you for the same reason.

[ This, too, is true. Even though he had ulterior motives, even though he's still hiding, the truth is that, the more they bonded, the more he was scared to lose it. Even now, he still is. ]

However... As much as I also understand why you carry yourself the way you do, and even can see how there's justice from your perspective, my thoughts on the matter haven't really changed.

[ He reaches over to take Akira's hand in his. ]

I do still think of you as a criminal.

[ But it's not accusatory, considering the fond squeeze and even the beginnings of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. It's decided, and perhaps... serene, in a way.

[So he does, still. Somehow, it doesn't hurt like Akira thought it would.

As long as he doesn't intend to make good on showing the world that all criminals will be punished, it's not such a bad thing.]

I understand why you kept it from me, too. Even if, at the end of the day, you're just doing your job. Detectives lock up criminals, right?

[He squeezes back, to show he doesn't mean anything bad by it. He's come to accept this, too - their reality is messy, but that doesn't mean it's bad.]

I just want you to know... I care about you, no matter what. Our pasts don't make our future.

[It was the same when Akechi shot him as a werewolf, after all. He won't hold a grudge for that, or this either.]

[ Akira... cares about him? It's not that he doesn't appreciate the feeling, but the choice of word seems... odd, all things considered. Weren't they... beyond that...? Could it be that his confession brought about a change of heart...? ]

... I know. I... care about you, as well.

[ Though truthful, his own choice of word is cautious, almost forced. It's clearly not the time to be open about it. ]

Incidentally, that is the reason why I'm not sure I can do my job anymore.

[ It's best to ignore his continuously pressing feelings of insecurity for the moment, complete his train of thought from before the disruption. ]

You must have realized it by now, but-- [ He forces a chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood, though it comes off rather self-conscious. ] The people I have grown closest to in this Town are all criminals, in one way or another.

[ And there's the truth he can't deny. Not just Akira himself, but also Lupin and Caramia, who he's come to see as family... They are undoubtedly criminals in their own worlds. And yet, they make Akechi feel more at home than he's ever felt like even back in Tokyo.

He knows there's a reason for that. ]

Perhaps... I'm more criminal than detective, myself.

[ That is it. ]

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