awashlogs | I'm a shapeshifter, chained down to my core

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I'm a shapeshifter, chained down to my core

WHO: Akechi and Akira
WHERE: their Secret Place
WHEN: After new arrivals
WHAT: Loyalty quest, feat. gross mush.
WARNINGS: None

[ As much as he had made an effort to forget about it, Akechi couldn't quite let go of the events that had transpired the previous month-- of the memory Akira had shared with him, and lost forever in the process. Knowing about his childhood, getting to experience it first hand... that didn't bother him as much as the thought that it made them uneven, even if Akechi had shared something of his own at the time. It just wasn't enough. He felt... indebted, somehow.

The new month came with new possibilities, though-- new abilities, and perhaps a new chance to settle his score. Maybe it's time to use the Town's whimsies to his favor.

With his newly found (and possibly temporary) powers, Akechi has set off to decorate their secret place with flurries of cherry blossoms, vivid and fragrant and just as beautiful as they would be in a Japanese spring, and though the only trees in sight are the woods outside, the petals seem to sprout and shower from every nook and corner, almost like those brick walls were breathing them into life. Inside, he has also stored away some fruit and snacks for an indoors picnic-- this is as close as they're getting to a proper hanami, after all, so he wants to do it right.

(Maybe he wants to do more than flower viewing, too. Maybe, if the opportunity arises, he can truly show Akira how much he appreciates him and everything he's done.)

An invitation is slipped under Cafe Morgana's door, old fashioned and personal, and in that same evening, Akechi sets off again to their place to wait for Akira's arrival. ]

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[Not now.

Even though he felt it, the confirmation makes Akira's heart somersault. Could it be that he really did it? Did he really change Akechi's fate, even once they return?

But that is a question for a later day - for now, Akira focuses on Akechi's face, his movements, his tone as he finally says it.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself, but when he speaks, his voice is measured, calm, and not unkind. He hopes it reassures Akechi not to run.]

You mean, you were planning to turn us in?

[ It doesn't reassure him, though, not really. But he knows there's no running away now. ]

Not all of you.

[ Though he can't bring himself to say it, the implication should be clear. There was never any need to turn in the entire group; he just needed one person to set the example.

What better choice than their leader, right? ]

I never really agreed with your methods. [ He pushes onwards, still unable to look Akira in the eye. ] Even now, I still don't-- and you should know that much, as I've never made a secret out of it. But, it is not as though I had a particular grudge against the Phantom Thieves, or even planning to do it as a means to win a case. It was just...

[ And here he is, down to the most critical part of his confession. He can't-- or rather, he could make up yet another lie to explain his reasoning, but he doesn't want to. He wants to be more honest. ]

... it was something I felt that had to be done, for the sake of my justice.

[ Yet, this is all the truth he can (safely) reveal for now. ]

[Akira's eyes falter, for a moment. So Akechi isn't wholly lying to him now, but he isn't telling the full truth, either. Akira will have to tread lightly with his response.

But even with all that he knows... he still has so many questions. They've been inside him this whole time, and now, finally, he might be able to get a few answers.

As such, the searching looking he gives Akechi is real, his eyes roving over his face.]

I'm not mad, but... why? Why would turning me in help your justice? [And he really means it, though he wishes he could go further. How did helping your father with his plan achieve justice?]

Just because... because I didn't trust the law, to take care of things?

[Of all people, he must know why Akira is hesitant to think justice could be served through any official means.]

[ Not mad, huh? This would have been so much easier, if he was. So much easier if he lashed out and left and acted more like a regular, less than stellar human being.

As it is, though... he feels like they're not standing on equal footing. Like he's not worthy of continuing. ]

It wasn't like that. [ A shake of his head, and another moment until he can collect his thoughts, cherry-pick his words so he's not downright lying. ]

However, turning you in would send a clear message: that no criminal can escape without punishment. Not even one whose methods are as elusive as that of the Phantom Thieves.

[ And that, of course, includes Shido himself, whose entire rise to power had been reliant on Akechi's services. ]

...I see.

[He wonders if Akechi still thinks of him as a criminal. Maybe so - he said he still doesn't approve of his methods as Joker, after all. Of course, he knows that's secretly a bit hypocritical, but it seems Akechi is determined to steer clear of that revelation for now.

Well, that's fine - it's a step. One more step towards full honesty.

Speaking of honesty, though...]

I... kinda knew. I mean, we anticipated the possibility. [He gives a one shoulder shrug, a bit self-conscious now.] Makoto and Futaba... they wouldn't have let me agree to your terms if we weren't prepared for everything. So, we had a plan.

[He looks down now, at his lap, and idly plays with a strand of bang.]

I didn't trust you then. Not... not like I do now.

[ Akechi's eyes immediately shoot upwards at that confession, wide in incredulity and... a little something else. ]

You... knew?

[ He may have corrected it right after, but the words were still there, honest and real. It wasn't like a feeling or solid suspicion; Akira knew. And Makoto and Futaba... the former, he could understand-- he has to begrudgingly admit she's one of the few with more than two brain cells in the group-- but the tech nerd? Why her? She wasn't as cautious as Niijima, and as brilliant as she was with machines, she wasn't particularly good at foresight--

... good with machines, though. He vaguely remembers the incident with his phone, grabbed under the pretense of excitement for his model of choice. For an expert hacker, that could have easily been--

As the color (metaphorically, this time) near drains from his face, he realizes that something else might have been fear. ]

What do you mean...?

[ Whether about his plan, or about his knowing, Akechi doesn't clarify. ]

[Ah... did he reveal too much?

Akira tries to calm himself and think. That look in Akechi's eyes worries him - if he spooks him now, who knows what could happen...]

Like I said, we just guessed. You were pretty clear that you didn't agree with our methods, and we didn't trust you. I thought for sure Ryuji was going to blow everything - he doesn't like you at all.

[A chuckle, as an attempt to lighten the mood. Though that's true enough - the others had worried Ryuji might say something that would tip Akechi off. But he didn't.]

After you steal a treasure, the palace collapses. We kept you in the dark on that, so we could escape in the confusion. We were hoping you wouldn't make a move on us once we were long gone from the courthouse.

[That part is a lie.]

[ Akechi stares at him for a moment longer, deadly silent, not a sketch of an expression on his face. He, too, needs to keep his cool about it so he won't say or show any more than necessary, but as it turns out, that borders dangerously close to cold. ]

... I see.

[ There's a lot to process here-- the information that's being given, yes, but also Akira's reaction to it. He's collected, though it's not like he's the type to go desperate even under dire circumstances, so this isn't much of an indicator. And what he says... does make sense, Akechi supposes; it's true he didn't know about Palaces collapsing once the treasure had been taken, and that had been the one moment Akechi once had in mind for catching Joker in the act... In theory, everything matches, and the worst of his secret is still safe-- after all, there's no way Akira would have grown this close to him, if he'd known about his... side job.

Then... why does he feel so panicked, still? ]

So in the end, we were both lying to each other, huh...?

...I guess.

[He can admit that much, after all. It's true - they were lying to each other, and really, they still are. But Akira can't reveal more, can't come forward with the whole truth, unless Akechi does.

So for now, this is all the truth he tells.]

I'm sorry.

[It comes out quietly, but honestly. He really is sorry about lying to Akechi all this time, and more importantly that he will continue to lie.]

Not... about not wanting to get caught. I don't really want to go to jail. [He smiles ruefully at that.] But... as we grew closer... I didn't like that I was still lying. I didn't want it to hurt you.

But I also wasn't sure... if you still thought of me as a criminal.

[He looks up into Akechi's eyes. Does he?]

[ ... oh. That look.

Akechi has to take another moment to go over his feelings before his words. It's hypocritical, yes, but he was angry to be lied to, especially by the one person he'd come to trust with his life; on the other hand, he reasonably knows Akira's wariness was justified-- and fair game, too, considering what Akechi really had been planning to do.

With a deep breath, he tries to calm himself and push that less than pleasant side of him to the back of his mind, focuses on his genuine, good feelings for Akira. It's... almost like calling upon a Persona, he realizes. ]

... I'm sorry, too.

[ It's so little, but even saying the words - and truly meaning them - takes a weight off his chest, brings him closer to the side of him that Akira had come to love. ]

I suppose I understand why you kept it from me. Even I took so long to be able to confide in you for the same reason.

[ This, too, is true. Even though he had ulterior motives, even though he's still hiding, the truth is that, the more they bonded, the more he was scared to lose it. Even now, he still is. ]

However... As much as I also understand why you carry yourself the way you do, and even can see how there's justice from your perspective, my thoughts on the matter haven't really changed.

[ He reaches over to take Akira's hand in his. ]

I do still think of you as a criminal.

[ But it's not accusatory, considering the fond squeeze and even the beginnings of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. It's decided, and perhaps... serene, in a way.

[So he does, still. Somehow, it doesn't hurt like Akira thought it would.

As long as he doesn't intend to make good on showing the world that all criminals will be punished, it's not such a bad thing.]

I understand why you kept it from me, too. Even if, at the end of the day, you're just doing your job. Detectives lock up criminals, right?

[He squeezes back, to show he doesn't mean anything bad by it. He's come to accept this, too - their reality is messy, but that doesn't mean it's bad.]

I just want you to know... I care about you, no matter what. Our pasts don't make our future.

[It was the same when Akechi shot him as a werewolf, after all. He won't hold a grudge for that, or this either.]

[ Akira... cares about him? It's not that he doesn't appreciate the feeling, but the choice of word seems... odd, all things considered. Weren't they... beyond that...? Could it be that his confession brought about a change of heart...? ]

... I know. I... care about you, as well.

[ Though truthful, his own choice of word is cautious, almost forced. It's clearly not the time to be open about it. ]

Incidentally, that is the reason why I'm not sure I can do my job anymore.

[ It's best to ignore his continuously pressing feelings of insecurity for the moment, complete his train of thought from before the disruption. ]

You must have realized it by now, but-- [ He forces a chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood, though it comes off rather self-conscious. ] The people I have grown closest to in this Town are all criminals, in one way or another.

[ And there's the truth he can't deny. Not just Akira himself, but also Lupin and Caramia, who he's come to see as family... They are undoubtedly criminals in their own worlds. And yet, they make Akechi feel more at home than he's ever felt like even back in Tokyo.

He knows there's a reason for that. ]

Perhaps... I'm more criminal than detective, myself.

[ That is it. ]

[Oh, that tone... Did he say something wrong? He didn't want to come off too strong, but did he come off too weak, instead...?

But before he can rectify whatever happened, Akechi has moved on, and Akira listens to what he says quietly. Akechi wants to quit being a detective? Is that what he's saying?

He knows he was never quite a real detective... but is he sure...?]

...Criminals... detectives... do any of those words matter?

[He knows he sounds a little fake deep, but give him a moment.]

Those words give us preconceived ideas of what people should be... of who people are. But all that matters is you, us. And your relationship with the others, too.

[He smiles a little, at those bonds Akechi mentioned. He really has done so much better here, at making friends, creating for himself a family...

This town is as much a blessing as it is a curse.]

So maybe... don't think so hard about it. But if you want to be something other than a detective, when we get back...

[He reaches for his hand again, giving it a squeeze.]

I'm with you. I... always will be.

[ Always, huh...? But he's already changed just from knowing this much... Would he really always stay by his side, if he knew the whole truth about Akechi's past...? ]

I'm... not sure whether or not I want to still be a detective when we return.

[ And this is another show of honesty. Though it may have started as a means to an end, the truth is Akechi isn't bad at it, even when he's not working on his manufactured cases. He's rather good at it, actually. And... maybe, he has even come to appreciate it in earnest, have a little fun with it.

But the hardest truth is the former; his being a detective is a means to an end, an asset that was carefully constructed to help Shido's plans-- and Akechi's own, as well. That is what weighs on his mind the most. ]

The real issue is... Regardless of my personal wishes, I'm not sure I can still be much of a detective back home.

[ He returns Akira's hand squeeze, eyes trained on his. ]

After all, the only thing I am sure of is that I'll be harboring a fugitive. That's hardly being on the side of the law.

[ By being loyal to Akira, he betrays Shido; that puts an end to the need for a Detective Prince. ]

[Those words unsaid are true - with Akechi on their side now, Shido will most likely be enraged. Akechi might be able to lie for awhile, but eventually he'll most likely come after both of them.

But it's okay. They took Shido down once, and with Akechi there it would be even easier. But how can he reassure Akechi of that, without outright stating it?]

Hey, slow down. [He grins, trying to lighten the mood a little, even if it's not really possible.] I'm not a fugitive yet.

[At least, they don't know who he is yet, from Akechi's perspective.]

But... I'm sorry I'm causing you so much trouble.

[He leans in, close, to kiss him.]

I hope I can make it worth it.

[ Akechi huffs a laugh at that initial comment, though it comes off a bit forced, still. Maybe Akira wouldn't be a fugitive, speaking strictly from the police's perspective, but he would be running from someone even more powerful. They both would.

It's hard to find any genuine joy in such a grim prospect.

But then Akira is moving closer, and apologizing for what was beyond his control, and that? That just breaks him, steals any hope he had for feeling better in earnest after this talk. ]

... I would have caused you a lot more than this, had I chosen to stick with my plan.

[ More honesty, and if he sounds less than delighted about it, it's because he is. In a way (he doesn't think) Akira can comprehend. ]

And I don't think I would have been nearly as worth it as you are.

Hey... don't sell yourself short.

[Akira leans in closer, then presses his lips to Akechi's. But it isn't meant to tease, or to tempt, the way it so often is - rather, he just wants to comfort now, let Akechi feel the warmth of another person and know that he's not alone.

If he'll just believe that. Now, and in the future.]

I do think you're worth it. I've never felt like this about anyone before, after all... I...

[What is he doing? He might as well say it, right?]

I love you.

[ The touch is almost enough, and though Akechi still huffs a sheepish laugh at the comment, he does feel reassured in Akira's presence and his displays of affection. There's a voice in the back of his mind that nags, that tells him it's not possible, but he's decided to force it away, and trust the feelings he knows they share, even despite his confession.

But then he hears those words-- the words-- and the voice is right back, yelling in his ears. All too loud to ignore. ]

... I know.

[ Liar. Had it been weeks before, sure, but now, after everything he'd told him, how could Akechi believe him? How could Akira possibly love him...?

No. Akechi can trust him, and Akira can love him, because he's Akira-- an astounding idiot, for better and worse. A heart that was always free... Akechi was painfully jealous of that.

(But that's a kind of honesty he can't offer just yet.) ]

That's why I felt the need to tell you. [ He picks up, realizing a little too late that this may not be the response Akira had been expecting. So he shifts theirs hand so his palm is laying on top of Akira's, his thumb rubbing fond circles on skin. ]

Because I wanted to be worthy of your trust and your feelings. And...

[ He takes his free hand to the side of Akira's face and pulls him closer again, forehead on forehead. ]

Because I love you.

[ (This much, though? He doesn't ever have to hide.) ]

[At first, Akira isn't sure how that's going to be received. The touches to his hand, the words Akechi is offering, reassure him that it wasn't received badly, and he wasn't really concerned about that, he finds. He's just being honest, after all - if Akechi isn't there yet, then that's alright.

But he hopes that above all, Akechi knows he is worthy. That might be the hardest thing to convince him of, even more than accepting Akira's love; he's spent a lifetime with people who told him he wasn't.

But then he echoes those words back, and Akira thinks that maybe, finally, he's starting to believe.

The smile that crosses his face is radiant.]

You already are.

[And it's good, that they're taking steps in the right direction.]

So I'm glad we talked about this.

[ He's right, it is hard to convince Akechi he's worthy of love; as much as he trusts Akira's honest feelings, as much as he's come to change much of his ways in the time they've spent together, the severa years of neglect have taken their toll on his self-esteem. It would probably take just as long for him to completely work past it.

But Akira's words are still a source of comfort, and at least for the moment, he can forget about a lifetime's loneliness and indulge in the feeling of being truly wanted. ]

So am I.

[ And he punctuates it with a kiss, brief, but brimming with feelings he could barely put into words. This would have to suffice for now.

When he pulls away, the sheepish smile is back, and he tries to cover it up with a chuckle. ]

Hah, this has turned out to be pretty different from our usual dates, hasn't it?

Hmm... we usually find time for a heart to heart in there somewhere.

[He knows that this went a little beyond a heart to heart, but he's trying to keep the mood light now. There's no reason for them to sink back into that dark place now that they've found happiness again out of it!]

Besides, the date's not over yet. [He leans in again, to give him a light kiss on the cheek.] We still have all these cherry blossoms to enjoy.

[Whose head is going in whose lap this time?]

[ It was so much more than a heart to heart, in more ways than one. It was something Akechi didn't even realize he needed-- both being able to open up to Akira about part of his past, and also hearing those words from him. t gives him that bit of extra confidence that what they're building is solid. ]

Oh, I wasn't implying our date was over. Far from it.

[ With a smile, he answers Akira's unspoken question and settle back on his knees, tapping his lap in invitation. It was Akira's turn before they got sidetracked, after all. ]

I was just thinking of how far we have come, from the days we would meet up for dates at Cafe Morgana-- or even further back, as little more than friendly acquaintances at Leblanc. To be honest, even now it catches me by surprise.

[ The best kind. ]

A good surprise.

[He accepts the invitation, flopping down in Akechi's lap almost like a cat. It's comfy here, and he gives a small, contented wiggle as he gets in position.]

We have come a long way... I hope we can have more happy times like this.

[More so the date itself, not the sad talk they had before.]

[ Almost like a cat? Yeah, right. Even Prince isn't so readily available for petting as Akira seems to be-- not that Akechi has any complaints on the matter, of course. Rather, he's pretty content, himself, promptly carding his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. It really is comfy like this...

So much that he even feels encouraged to share something else. ]

Oh, I've told you before, remember? I'm always happy, when I'm with you.

[ Even when they disagree, or even when they share some of the darkness they had been hiding underneath, none of that takes away from the fact this is the happiest Akechi has ever been. ]

[He chuckles lightly, raising one his hands to wrap up Akechi's free fingers.]

Ditto.

[He's so happy like this, too. He believes the trust and love between them will only continue to grow.]

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