unghost: (pic#13125289)
cairngorm ([personal profile] unghost) wrote in [community profile] awashlogs2019-08-04 06:09 pm
Entry tags:

[open] feeling numb most of the time

WHO: Cairngorm and others
WHERE: the harbor, around town, gem haus which has air conditioning
WHEN: late july into early august
WHAT: Cairngorm comes back from dying! They zone out by the water for a while before wandering back into town after their existential crisis.
WARNINGS: possible mentions of suicidal ideation


i. the wallowing option
[ When they wake up, they’re in one piece.

Miraculously, maybe. Whether it’s by fate or by the hands of a mysterious other power here, they can’t ever know, but when they wake up, their sketchy body is one white blob as opposed to several dismembered white blobs. With the number of people who have died, it’s only natural that no one can tell who they are with this vague appearance - practically everyone is trying to suss out who each white blob is. That’s fine by them. They don’t make an effort to try and let people know who they are, not responding to people’s guesses or flat out avoiding making contact with others. They aren’t ready to speak to anyone, and it’s a comfortable familiarity to shrink back into inexistence, especially after something so hard for them to grasp going through.

Once they start to regain color and their features, they take to laying near the cliffs overlooking the harbor, legs dangling over the edge. They either don’t care that their weight could send them tumbling down the cliffside into the water below (people like Magilou are the first to know they break these cliffs when they get too close to the edge), or don’t think it’s a possibility - but with Cairngorm’s characteristically cautious attitude, it seems more likely that it’s the former.

They can be found laying there at any point in the time of their transformation back into full gem-ness, sometimes staring blankly at the sky, merely taking in sunlight, and at other times, eyes closed calmly. If seen from a distance, it might be easy to guess that it’s them lying out there with the unnatural stillness that they lay there for more than a full day, not needing to eat or do anything else - and most of all, even letting insects crawl and land on them without so much as a flinch. It seems like they’re wholly zoned out, not even reacting to any obvious sounds of someone approaching - to any onlooker, they truly look like a lifeless statue. ]
ii. the not wallowing option
[ With the heatwave that’s in town, they’re spending as much time in the sun as they can. Will taking in light from the sun reverse the effects of their death? Probably not. But they suspect that they still need the sun’s rays to completely heal from being broken apart like they were in the forest - there were still seams at their neck and thighs from the breaks, so they’ve washed off all their powder, leaving them walking around town in their powderless form. It may be the first time since many people of the town have seen Cairngorm’s powderless form, dark and inky as opposed to the stark white powder they have on. What’s more is that they seem to be lacking their usual luster on the account of still regaining all their features, the living jewel seeming strangely matte despite the lack of powder that mutes the shine of their skin.

When they finally come back to town from ruminating by the harbor for a few days, definitely later than some of the other revived, they do what they can to act normal, taking a path straight through the center of town back to their home in Flavo. Whether they catch your eye because you’re a friend relieved to see them back, or just someone surprised by their dark form, they give you a Look that’s half confusion and half concern. ]


...Staring at me, are you?

[ It’s awkward, and they’re hoping hoping hoping it’s just the luster that’s earning them attention rather than their brush with mortality. ]
heartsteals: (you crossed your fingers)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-08-22 05:08 am (UTC)(link)
[ his answer is predictable and comes without much thought - it's shining in his eyes like a little fire before he even opens his mouth. ]

Then we'll find a way to get you out.

[ he speaks in a tone that brooks no argument, as he often does. This time, though, it's punctuated with a slight falter in his expression, a guilty dimming of that light as his lips pull taut. Cairngorm has a hard time believing in him as it is; his utter failure to prevent this from happening in the first place certainly won't make him seem any more reliable now, trying to pick up the metaphorical pieces. He hates it. Failure isn't supposed to be an option for him at all.

But he's stubborn - and even if he's beating himself up, he won't be broken by this. Especially not when it comes to them, and even more when it comes to their escaping this place. The very idea of leaving them trapped here is unfathomable. He shakes his head. ]


I'm not leaving without you. If there's some problem later, we'll deal with it together. We're partners, too. [ a beat. ] ... I'll be there. This won't happen again.
heartsteals: (who's really got a plan)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-08-23 04:39 am (UTC)(link)
[ that's about the reaction he expected - it is their tradition. With how little they think of themself, he's sure they haven't considered how guilty he'd feel leaving them stuck here while he frolicked off back to London. The only thing he didn't expect was for them to actually say they'd part ways aloud. It's the subject at hand: they both know it, even if neither of them want to talk about it - Cairngorm because it's depressing, and Lupin because he's been considering otherwise. His eyes widen a fraction of an inch at the admission; then his expression cools again.

Would it be crass to bring it up now, while they're in this state already? Or would it be careless of him not to, and to leave them thinking there was no hope while they're here at one of their lowest points? Lupin's quiet for a moment. ]


Are you so certain I will?

[ he doesn't reach out to cup their cheek or caress them or whatever else; he just stares at them, quite seriously. A weaker man might doubt his ability to protect them for a lifetime after letting them get so hurt - Lupin simply uses those doubts to fuel his resolve. No - he can't let it happen again. ]
heartsteals: (turned out to be the man)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-08-23 04:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Come back to London with me.

[ it's asking a lot - the enormity of the request is exactly why he hasn't said anything until now - but he doesn't falter: his mind's made up. Lupin's been hesitant to try and sway their path from the start. Cairngorm has enough trouble making their own choices and deciding what's right for them; intervening would just make him part of the problem. However, on this matter - the matter of their happiness - he thinks he can be allowed to push. And it's not just theirs, either - it's his. Could he really go back to life without them, knowing they were suffering in their world (or worse, trapped here by this, like they're suggesting?) He can't imagine being able to carry on as before with the memories of them still fresh in his heart.

Maybe he's being selfish. But so what? Let him be selfish. In the end, after all, he is a jewel thief; how could Arsène Lupin let his finest prize slip through his fingers? ]


I know you've got your duties back home - but I'm almost as sure you'll be miserable and in danger. [ a beat. ] ... I don't want to send you back there. I want to keep you.

[ another pause; he quirks a half-smile, faintly, a little apologetic. ]

It's fine if you haven't got a response yet. But I do want you to think about it.
heartsteals: (he was no more than a friend to me)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-08-27 04:07 am (UTC)(link)
[ He recognizes that change, too - the fact that they can say decisively that they want to go with him when they could barely tell him they wanted to be with him before gives him a moment of happiness in the midst of these unfortunate circumstances. Even if he'd screwed up and hadn't been able to save them this time, he knows, at least, that he'd helped give them the strength to express themself a little more - to accept themself more. One failure isn't enough to cancel that. Lupin's eyes soften as their slender fingers slip through his.

Truth be told, he doesn't know if he can. He doesn't know how this place works more than anyone else does - when they find a way home, who's to say they'll have enough control over whatever it is to allow Cairngorm to come with him? There's no proof. Nothing other than his own will. But that's enough for him. They've visited each other's homes before, if only in dreams and other facsimiles; it can't be impossible. He'll find a way. Hearing them agree, or want to agree, only strengthens that feeling. That means they love him so much that they'd be willing to forsake everything for him, after all - meager as that "everything" may be - and only the somber circumstances of this discussion keep him from rushing forward to meet that love with his own. They want a life with him...

(He's sure he'll spend a lot of time thinking about that later. For now, he needs to take care of them.) ]


... Because of what Ghost told you.

[ an educated guess, based on their last conversation. His tone is soft; his free hand, unable to resist any longer, gently cups their chin, urging them to look up and meet his eyes. ]

There's no shame in putting your own happiness first. Especially when it's so hard-won. [ but his words won't be able to convince them of this; he knows it already. Not for the first time, he wishes he knew what would. Tentatively, he offers a smile - very small, gently reassuring. ] I don't mind waiting for you to find out. Consider it a standing offer.
heartsteals: (his kiss addictive like sugar)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-09-02 05:53 pm (UTC)(link)
There's nothing to be sorry for.

[ they haven't turned him down, after all; closer to the opposite. Lupin can't quite determine what they're apologizing about until they go ahead and put it into words, and then he can only smile and shake his head. Cairngorm only ever seems to consider him extraordinary and out of reach when it comes to situations like this, comparing him to themself, and he wishes they wouldn't - he sees them as an equal, for all the differences between them. But their lack of self-esteem is nothing new or surprising. He brushes his thumb over their cheek, affectionate and reassuring, before setting his hands on their shoulders even as they shrink away, refusing to let Cairngorm run off into their head too far. ]

... I do. I've been turning it over in my head for a while now.

[ on this, though, perhaps he's been sloppy - he can't place the blame entirely on Cairngorm's low self-worth when he hasn't included them in his decision-making. ]

It's a selfish request to make, I know - especially after all I've said to you about making your own decisions. [ he didn't want to put pressure on Cairngorm, who is so easily swayed by the will of others; he's sure they'd listen to anything he asked, which is precisely why he always goes so far out of his way to put the power of choice in their hands. This flies in the face of that. But... ] ... But I've decided I'd rather be selfish than go on without you.
heartsteals: (shows elegance and class)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-09-08 05:18 am (UTC)(link)
I know -- I know, it's sudden. [ and it certainly hadn't been his plan to do this, not at all, but his heart is swayed so easily by their sadness and their loneliness; he wants to rush in, he wants to save them. Because he's Lupin, and it's what he does - but doubly so because they're Cairngorm, and he hangs on so tightly to their every vulnerability. There's a note of apology in his voice, for the suddenness of it all. Not for what he said - or what he wants. ] Hearing you say I'd leave you, though - that, I couldn't bear.

[ they hardly need to prompt him to hold them; normally, he'd be delighted that they initiated any affection, but this time, it only speaks to how fragile they are in this moment. Their head is heavy against him, their arms cold. His own wrap around the thin frame of their shoulders, pulling them in as close as he can, as close as they'll allow, heedless of their weight, as usual. In this moment, he doesn't care. He just doesn't want them to be alone. And -- he doesn't want to be without them, again, either. Not now. Not ever.

Because that's what he's asking, too, even if it's only implicit. If they come to his world, he knows for a fact there's no technology that will send them back. He sets his jaw and closes his eyes. Common sense dictates that he should be more anxious about offering such a permanent thing, but he doesn't feel any fear - only certainty and determination, and love, too, always love, for their delicate emotions and proud, defenseless heart. ]


We're just the same. [ he rests his cheek against their hair, as he often does. ] I've been going mad these past few weeks, thinking you were gone.
heartsteals: (for one dollar you can show me how)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-10-20 05:03 am (UTC)(link)
[ the question is outrageous to his ears - he doesn't need to hesitate for an instant before answering, in truth, but he refrains from blurting out an "of course" at once out of consideration for their feelings. Maybe it's obvious to him. It's not so to them, and he knows that well. ]

I was.

[ And they were gone, too; the knowledge sticks painfully inside him, like a thorn in his heart, and he holds them a little tighter. He can't fail again. If anything really happened to them, permanently, it would tear a hole in him. That their life was snuffed out even temporarily is bad enough. Lupin wishes he knew a way he could convey that to them without making them feel worse - feel guilty for what happened to them, because he knows they already are. His eyes cast downwards at the ground and the cliff beyond them. ]

I could barely sleep, not knowing what had happened to you. I walked every centimeter of this town trying to find you. I've hardly done anything else the weeks you've been away. [ maybe they don't realize how much time he spends thinking about them... after a moment or two, he admits: ] ... I was scared that I'd lost you.

[ rare for him to say he's scared of anything, but he was. ]
heartsteals: (who's really got a plan)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-10-23 06:15 am (UTC)(link)
Aren't we?

[ their body is as heavy as ever, but he leans back against them with everything he's got, trying his best to support them. Like he could blame them for this - the same thing happened to him, too. He just had luck on his side. As usual. Lupin wishes it had lasted him a bit longer. But, he supposes, they came back, and the stone weight against his shoulders is proof enough of that. He'll hold them as long as they need. (He thinks he needs it a little, too.) ]

My intention wasn't to make you feel sorry; it was to let you know that. [ if it wasn't patently obvious by the fact that Lupin wants to bring them back home with him, well - actually, he knows Cairngorm has a hard time believing it at all, that he cares for them as much as he does, no matter how much he tells them. Keep saying it, though, and one day, maybe they'll start caring, too. That's his hope. ] When it comes to you and your happiness, I'll do whatever it takes. That's a promise.

[ if this makes things complicated later, this death - he'll find a way to overcome that. True, he's not perfect. He failed here - but that only means he has to try even harder. ]
heartsteals: (i see the skin of a man)

[personal profile] heartsteals 2019-10-28 06:15 am (UTC)(link)
[ they look a little more like themself when they lean back, and he relaxes slightly, himself, at the sight. Just seeing them again is still a relief. Even once they've left his shoulder, his hands stay on them, a gentle touch at their arms. Now that he's seeing them close up, he recognizes the slight pallor of their dark skin. It's barely noticeable, considering how close to black they usually are, but that hint of purple-brown they have is gone. No doubt about it. Some resentment towards the town smolders in his belly, but the knowledge that there's no direct action he can take keeps them from igniting. Still - it's not right. Putting aside his own failure and guilt, he can hardly forgive someone - or something - for putting them through this...

The cold feeling of their hand against his face refocuses his attentions. He's not surprised, per se, but he still blinks once or twice, the barest suggestion of pink coming into his cheeks. It still feels like a rare treat when they touch him like this - like a lover. But then he's smiling again, wry and proud as ever, though it's perhaps a bit affected. ]


Nonsense. I could have kept on for another month. [ a pause. ] Besides, that should be my line. Let's get you home.